January 4, 2017

Happy New Year - Be Yourself


It's been weeks. Who am I kidding? It has been months that I fully sat down and said "now is the time to write a blog post". Last year at a certain point in my life I felt drained. I wasn't drained with work, life and what not. I was drained with thoughts, worry, boredom, and maybe also drained with work and life but that didn't really bother me. I didn't feel the need to write. Shocker! I don't know what happened but I felt it was time to call it quits. Yes, there I said it. I didn't feel adequate enough to sit down and share my thoughts, my ideas, my life with you. Crazy, huh?! 

Here I am trying to figure out if this is the right thing for me to do - again. I always loved sharing what I had to say and I feel this shouldn't change. I have not changed in this regard, so why quit, right? Who knows what went through to my mind almost six months ago. All I know is I needed time to decompress, relax, not worry and do my own thing. 

You know what my hiatus taught me? 

It taught me to be myself. Very simple. Very straight-forward.
All my life I have lived to please others. I listened, and followed directions I was told to take. I followed rules {which, don't get me wrong, it's always always always a good idea to follow rules!!}, I followed order. There were times I felt lost, helpless, irritated, and yes, even drained. I knew I was a fantastic daughter and grand-daughter never bringing home drama, never failing, never creating outrageously insane teenage mischief. I was a good kid. I behaved {most of the time, yes I had my moments too}, I went to school and never skipped one single class {ok, cooking class I kind of had to because my teacher was a very terrible and strict person who simply didn't belong in the teaching field...let me just say she cried when a fellow classmate cut kiwis the wrong way}. I mean, I followed a pattern, and I made my mother proud.

Until I started to be myself.
Over time, thanks to excellent education, my love for reading and traveling I acquired the so-called skill {ha!} of having my very own opinion, and making my own decisions. While this sounds very normal for most 18+ year olds, it was not that normal for me. I remember the day I wanted to wear a certain dress; mind you, it was an appropriate dress, nothing short or skinny or skanky or whatever...perfect color, appropriate shape, length etc. Mom threw a fit. Why?! Well, she would never wear this. I shouldn't either. I was 21 at that time. I knew it was time to slowly cut the cord. Isn't that the parent's job though? Seriously. 
So there I was, trying to figure out life, trying to master college, finding happiness, finding a job that may suit me and bring in some money...and at the same time I had to please my mom, and grandma. Not to mention family friends, and relatives all over the world. What the heck!!???
There were moments I just couldn't care anymore. As much as I wanted to make mom happy, I had to make myself happy too. I had opinions, I had beliefs, and I had ideas. It was soooo hard for me to make those ideas happen, to at least get my opinion across because, agreeing to disagree on topics is pretty darn interesting. It shows both sides. But no, I could never express myself. Never. If I did I was in trouble. I felt misunderstood, judged, and worst of all not loved. My life in a nutshell.

Don't get me wrong. Mom loved me. My family definitely loved me. No doubt there, but at the same time I felt that the more I tried to be me, the more I had a hard time making my family proud. So what did I do...I listened to my heart. I listened to my soul, and I absolutely listened to my side of the brain that says in all capital letters LOGIC!!! 

Here I am. Mom passed away, and it took a toll on me. Mentally, physically, and just emotionally all together. I was a mess for over a year and a half. I went to therapy, I went to physical therapy, I changed my lifestyle and found help through grief groups, I chose to give essential oils a try because, why not. I went to bi-weekly chiropractic adjustments, and I went to monthly or bi-monthly {yes!!!} massages. I slowly crawled out of my shell and tried to connect with people. I have grown a bunch. I have learned a ton. And I have definitely started to BE MYSELF. 


2016 ended and all I could think of was "FINALLY!!!" 2015 was bad, but 2016, although better, was just as draining. I needed time to be me. And blogging was out of the question. I needed major me time. So when 2016 ended I was happy and ready to tackle the new year. It is just a new day but it is also a new year and far far away from 2015 {at least not as close as 2016}. On Sunday, January 1, a little light bulb went off...whatever I have experienced in the past year and a half is everything my mom would disapprove of. I am not kidding. She would frown at everything and never agree with me that that is what my life, my married household needed or actually needs. She would disapprove of our pets, of essential oils, of work outs, of the new car that was very necessary, of the way I cook and what I cook, oh yes, even of my new coffee maker I just received for Christmas. She would be so negative, so against everything...I'd be draining and I would not be me. So...as much as I loved my mom and saw her as a great person because, after all, she was awesome raising me by herself...she was not good for me. I miss her and I wish I could talk to her at times, but I often think of what she would say, and trust me, the result was never pleasant. So, I was right in saying FINALLY to the New Year. I was right in cutting the cord as a child, rather than the parent doing it. I was right finding my way somewhere else, far far away from everything. I miss my friends back home, I miss my cousins, but I do not miss the negativity associated with my past life. I'm sure no one does. 

So, thank you short hiatus of mine for letting me figure how how to be me again!!!
With a new coffee maker, pets I adore to pieces, a great husband, a gorgeous big car in our garage, and essential oils enhancing our life. Oh, and I recently had to go dairy free...oh man!! 

Happy New Year, make it a good one!!!

xox

1 comment :

Tobia Nooke said...

Oh Selma,
it's good to read from you! And what a powerful post you wrote.
I can relate in many many ways and it is tough to figure out who you are if there is always a voice in your head commenting on everything... I was thinking the same thing New Years Eve: Finally... what a crappy year. Finally over, finally a new beginning.
I am wishing you all the best for 2017 and hope you can be yourself most of the days.
Happy New Year
Tobia

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