June 29, 2015

Your Journey Happens for a Reason

Happy Monday everyone!!

How was your weekend?
Mine? Well, as usual I tried to spend it as casually as possible. I stayed home most of the time, watched a ton of girlie movies, drank a lot of water and tea, ate bounty {chocolate covered coconut bars - and if you know me long enough you know I don't like chocolate but bounty? YES please}, and just enjoyed hanging out in my jammies. That is how I roll these days. Not too shabby.

Also, I had the privilege to enjoy a sunny Sunday afternoon...we drove around for over one hour in hopes to find a nice place to park and walk around and guess what? It wasn't possible. So we ended up going back to my friend's place and ate dessert in a restaurant nearby. It was a great afternoon, but one that exhausted us. My friend's newborn girl however was the champ...no crying, no complaining, just constant sleeping and funny facial expressions. Gotta love babies. 

And...I woke up to an email my FIL wrote to me. He has daughter hugs withdrawals and wishes I was there. Totally made my morning. I will fly home in three weeks folks. Three weeks...cannot wait. I have been away for too long...but what can I say?! Mom wanted me to stay a little longer and she got her wish...I just have to let go of her and our memories for right now, just as much as she let go of me years ago when I decided to move to the US. I have family there now, and I want to be happy there. I will always love my hometown and I will always return, even to visit mom and bring her her favorite flowers but I have to move on and live the life I was meant to live. So knowing my family awaits me and will be there to support me once arrived means the world to me. I am sad but I am hopeful because I have a great support system behind me, and those doggies?! Yes, those doggies will kiss me like they haven't kissed me before {sounds gross now, just re-reading it}. 

I am counting down the days I am going back home embracing my favorite person, hugging everyone, and moving forward. This journey happened for a reason and it is okay. It's part of my life and it will only make me stronger!!!!

Have a fabulous day. Send me some happy vibes though...I always need them.


image via here

June 25, 2015

Five Steps to Help One Recover

Seven full weeks have past. Seven! I cannot believe it. Where did the time go? Really. I have been away from currently very hot Northern California for eight weeks; that is also terrible. But, it has been seven full weeks. What is worst about these seven weeks is that I have not been able to fully grief, to mourn, to let go of my feelings, the pain, the sorrow, the everything I feel that makes me miss my mom ever so dearly. I have let go of some. I had to. Though this is a process, and if you have lost anyone close in your life, anyone dear in your precious life, you know that this is a process that will take months, if not years. This is not something you just shake off as Taylor Swift would say. This is something you have to deal with, you have to face each day, each second even, just to get by.  This is a process no one wants to go through but at some point in life kind of has to.

There's people who can deal with this long period of grief in a very simply, easy way. They don't technically shake it off but they do recover quite easily, and do not seem to feel much sorrow or pain. They do, but their way to get over that huge hole of darkness is less complicated, less sad, less everything. Then, there's people who have to deal with this grief differently. There's a black hole that looks too big to jump over, but also looks like it is slowly closing up to make room for a new path in life. I believe I am somewhere in between these two people. My aunt for example seems to be okay with whatever happened. Granted, she is healing differently, she is dealing differently. She has lost her husband, my beloved uncle, many months ago and yet it is still fresh. She has lost her grandchild way too early as well. She seems to have it all figured out. I, on the other hand, know that I must deal with the sudden loss of my mom differently. I have not lost my love for life, but I have lost purpose at the moment. I freaked out. I got burned out. I had no time to grief. It has been seven weeks but holy mother of whatever, I cleaned everything out, I organized everything, and figured it all out and had literally no time to sit down and accept what really happened. It came to me last week. My chest still hurts. My left side still hurts. My doctor said I am stressed, exhausted, and just in pain because I have lost a parent; and in my case it is in a way two parents since mom was mother and father at the same time. I have learned to let go of my feelings. When my chest hurts I start to cry and poof...the pain is gone. Just like that. I take hot showers {no bathtub where I am currently staying} and poof the pain is gone. I cry a lot. I watch a lot of TV or movies {thank you Netflix for working in Europe}, and I just try to go out as often as possible...not to get stuck in a room or apartment for too long. This gets really depressing, really.

So, the best five things I learned over the past two weeks that help me recover from my loss are the following:

1) LOTS of rest and fluids {herbal teas, and water, and maybe some coke}

2) Lots of fresh air, even if it is just a walk around the corner and back into bed...fresh air is crucial.

3) Crying. It is okay to cry. It is normal. No one looks pretty when crying so no worries there. Crying helps ease the pain, and let go of trapped emotions - and I have many trapped emotions.

4) Talking about it. It is not easy to talk about it here in Switzerland so I am going to talk about my loss once I am back in California. My in-laws are helping me find a place to go to. I learned that it is best for me to talk about it to someone or a group of neutrals. Friends here are helpful, family too. But when you talk to someone who didn't know mom, is fully new to the story...that is sometimes even more helpful. I even talked to my doctor here. She may just be my regular doc but telling her already helped tremendously. Oh, and writing about it helps, too.

5) Look forward to the future. I mean, as much as it hurts to look back and see photos of mom or hear someone talk about her...and as much as I want her here with me, she won't be with me physically. She will be next to me in spirit I know that and I feel it but I have to let go of the what if's, and look ahead. The future is bright. The future is mine. I have a wedding to attend. I bought a brilliant dress, and I am ready to celebrate my cousin's big day!!!! I have a husband to return to, a new place to finally enjoy living in, and a future as bright as even possible.

These five things are so easy, so ordinary. It's usually the simply things that make the most sense. It's like when tiny, little things enrich our lives even more than the bigger, more expensive items do. Simplicity is key. And patience. 

As much as I want to sleep for the next three weeks I know I cannot. I will sleep in longer and go to bed earlier but I will not let mom take over my life and make it sad. I am a happy girl. I deserve happy moments. I deserve sunny days, and walks along the lake. I deserve a chest that will not hurt any more. I deserve cry-less days. I deserve happiness away from my hometown. I deserve to return to my favorite person and spend the rest of our lives together. I deserve a new bag once I return, I deserve doggie kisses, I deserve the smell of a new baby {my best friend just got her second this week}, I deserve pure, unaltered, ridiculous happiness...in any way possible. I want it all. I need it all.

So I am letting go of this heavy heavy burden and pain in my heart and chest. I am letting go of those what if's because they do not exist anymore. I am letting go of the thought mom would call. I am letting go of whatever there is I must let go of to fully be able to live my life the only way I know how and want to. I am letting go of her. I am letting go of negativity. 

I am embracing today...a day I am channeling an easier way to get over that black hole and making it close up faster. I know it won't happen in a day but there's hope. One step at a time. I know I can. Thanks to writing it out it already helps a bit...a bit is better than nothing at all. No?

YES. I am using those five steps to recover...slowly but eventually I will be there.

So excuse me, I am going for a walk right now...and I will listen to cheesy but fun music...distraction is also key, not just patience and simplicity.


image via here and here and here

June 19, 2015


Today I am saying good-bye to my beloved mom. She will be greatly missed.
The void I, and so many others, have been feeling will linger for a little while longer. I know with today a huge chapter of this tremendously harsh shock will close its doors; not completely but slowly and carefully. With today, I can finally look forward and finally move on. With today I will be surrouned by people who have known and loved my mom, and who have also loved me. With today, I will be surrounded by family and close friends who will support me, love me, and be there for me no matter what. I will not be alone. I never ever will be.

Today will be intense, but today will be wonderful as well. I will not say good-bye by myself and that is all I wanted. I will be happy. I will be grateful. I will walk through this world with an open heart and an open soul. I will not despair or regret. I will love. I will live. I will nurture. I will remember. She will live on in all our hearts and souls. With everything I will do I will cherish and remember her.

Today, we may say good-bye to my life loving mom...but we will celebrate her life and not dwell in the past. We will hold our Raki glasses high up and salute to life, love, family, and very close friends who made their way to her memorial service!

I know mom would have loved it that way.
Yes, she would have.

image via pinterest

June 12, 2015

June Life

My lovelies,

it has been too long. It feels like forever and in a way it has been forever. I am doing well considering what I have been going through. It is funny to think of my current situation. I wanted to visit mom and make sure she is well taken care of, and then return to California after ten days. My ten days now have become probably six weeks, and I will stay even longer but there's light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. I can see it. I am managing, and I am handling it all well. Mom's apartment will be emptied June 30, most of her stuff is gone, given away, donated, or by next week will be tossed forever. I kept a lot, and sent a lot away. The post office definitely loves me. I should get a customer of the month trophy. Also, knowing friends and family took items to remember her by, and to enjoy a carpet or two or a TV or a huge wooden table or books...it means a lot.

Worst part of my entire month was to write her eulogy. I will not be speaking at her funeral. I have a speaker do that difficult task. Yet, I will have family come from Turkey and the US and they will not understand Swiss-German. So, I decided instead of having it all spoken in English all over again I will have it all written out on a paper for those who do not understand my first language. Mom thought, dreamed, and even spoke 99% Swiss-German, so why on earth would I have the service in regular German or any other language? Plus, who wants to lengthen a sad memorial service anyways...we know it hurts, we know it is sad, and we know it sucks...to have it repeated twice is redundant. 

Other than this lengthy process and quite frankly, discrimination against the ones who are left behind (there is so much paperwork to be dealt with it is insane and just morbid...come on, let me mourn, let me enjoy life and go on with it and not feel stuck in my hometown...I want to enjoy it, and I want to love it and look back to the summer I lost my mom, but the summer I also learned to live again without her), I am doing well. I have to remind myself that life goes on. It has to. Mom would have wanted it that way. I mean, let's be frank here, we all know the time will come when we have to say good-bye to our parents, our friends, our relatives...we just try to ignore this very open fact.

I am doing well. Yes, I have said this three time already...but I am. Okay, yes, I have my moments and I know those moments will repeat themselves...especially when I am back in California surrounded by my in-laws and hubby, all trying to help me out and stuff. I will be more than just grateful for their help (and they have been helpful ever since). Yet, I know, I will have good days, and I will have terrible days. 

The good days I know will be in July...early July I will be flying to Istanbul to see my entire relatives again. It will be a family reunion after many many years. It has been years that we were all together in one place...usually always one part was missing...either my uncle from the US with his clan, or my Turkish cousins were doing a year abroad or something. This time we all will be together. Just mom will be missing but I will honor her that whole time and make sure we will remember her. Also, the main reason I am going is my cousin's wedding. What better thing to do than celebrate life and love by attending your cousin's special day? We have always been close so it will be just an awesome celebration. Also, she is coming to mom's memorial service...if she can come for a few days to my place, then I can come for a few days to her place.

Also, I am trying to have most things settled and handled this month so I can fly back home to California in July. Please send me some happy, healthy, and speedy thoughts and vibes over. I need them more than ever. I am almost done here. I miss California. I miss my favorite person, and I miss my life there. Sounds weird but I chose to live there and be there so it is time to do this exact thing. I really do not want to stay here any longer than I have to. I am so exhausted and so ready to leave...so send me some good vibes please. Thank you!!!

One day I will catch up...promised!


images via {I don't remember} and here

June 5, 2015

Do Not Take It Personal

Today, my lovely friend Marjan is guest posting. Not only were we roommates for a while, I consider her a sister, a best friend, someone I can talk to without sugarcoating a thing. I am so glad she is in my life, even now with a huge distance between us. I cannot wait to see her and her family again once I am reunited with California, my favorite person, and just regular life as usual.
Have fun my lovelies. Miss you all, but I promise to be back. Things are looking good and I know I can do this and soon saying see-you to my hometown again. As much as I missed it, I miss my new home more. :D


When Selma asked me to write a guest post for her, I asked, “but what should I write about?”
Her response was: “How Mary Kay changed your life!”

It is amazing how one doesn’t realize the change in themselves unless they reflect on their past which not many people do often.
I told myself that she must see a change that I don’t. So, I decided to write about how my life has changed since I became a Mary Kay Cosmetics Independent Consultant about a year and a half ago. Keep in mind, Selma and I have been roomies for a while and she knows me really well.

One of the very first things I learned at my weekly classes at our Mary Kay Studio Pink was that I should never take anything personally, and that I should hang out with people I want to become like. The latter, I had always heard of and tried to do, but to not take anything personal??!??? I decided to be faithful in the Mary Kay process and follow the advice she had passed along to generations that came after her. I figured, if it didn’t hurt me then there was nothing to lose. 

A half year later, I stopped taking the way other people act and react towards me personally. Today, I can say that I am a more understanding person, because I don’t take the time to think about why people may dislike me. Instead, I realize that people do and say inappropriate things because of their own insecurities, hurts and pains and with no intention of hurting anyone...they simply don’t know any better. Key word is intention.

I have learned to be on purpose in my life. Meaning, I am not just going to say "hi" and "how are you" as a courtesy. When I say "hi"and "how are you", I WILL listen to how you really are doing! I WANT to know! Why else ask someone how they are doing or how their day is going? Although, I will mention that it is definitely not easy to not take things personally. After all, why would a server at a restaurant who does not know me, not be nice to me just because they are having a bad day? But I will say this: when you are surrounded by amazing mentors and Mary Kay Directors, it becomes a lifestyle as you watch them live what they teach us at every meeting.

Right when I was asked to join Mary Kay, I did my research online and saw many, many, many negative reviews. So I decided to take my time and go to a few meetings and check things out for myself before becoming an Independent Consultant. When I saw that these Directors take time to help not only their own but other consultants as well, I was sold. When you work with leaders that are willing to help you achieve your goal with NO benefit for them, THAT is who you want to be surrounded by!

In addition, I have learned to be a better listener and understand that everyone is different! Both of which have helped in having better relationships with God, myself, my husband, my brother, my friends and my in-laws. Mary Kay has drawn me closer to my mom and I love her more than ever now that I understand HER!

I hope this helps you! I can go on forever with examples, but I do not want to bore you or take over Selma’s blog. LOL! I will start posting more on my blog and hope to see you there!


June 2, 2015

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday. I don't feel my age at all even though friends remind me that my clock is ticking. I don't know if I have to be happy or sad about this. Really. Either way, today is my day and I will make it my very best day. Last year I moved on my birthday and it felt awful. Luckily, we celebrated beforehand as part of a graduation/moving/birthday celebration.

I believe in celebrating life and birthdays are part of that celebration.

So today, I am going out and I am celebrating. I may even sneak in a cupcake or just a slice of pie even though I am on a no-sugar month food challenge. I do not care. It is okay to slip once, and when it is one's birthday it should be mandatory to cheat for once. Today is my day and I will make it a wonderful one. Mom would have loved seeing me go out, enjoy some sweets, walk around and love life. I wish she's be walking next to me and in a way she is. I know she is.

Happy Birthday to me, and thank you mom for teaching me to love life and believing in me. I miss you. I'll be drinking a glass in your honor, because well, my birthday in a way is always a day to celebrate you.


images via style me pretty and Jillian Harris 

June 1, 2015

June Food Challenge

Happy June!! This is my birthday month; I am so excited!

Despite it being my birthday month and the beginning of summer I am still challenging myself {for the last time} with one month of eliminating one food item from my diet. This will be a little difficult since my birthday is around the corner and all those festivities just wait for me to fail. Yet, I can do this. I have been so good for the past five months. I gave up sweets, alcohol, dairy, sodas, and snack food. Some challenges were indeed challenging. Some were easy to tackle. This month is the last month of getting back into shape and feeling healthier. It's been a fun ride, and I can honestly say it has been rewarding.

This month I am giving up sugar!

Of all the things I am giving up sugar during my birthday month. What was I thinking? I must have blanked for a second when I committed to this because I so want to eat a cupcake on my birthday {or two!}. Oh, did I mention my birthday is tomorrow? Well, yes, it is. So, maybe I can overlook the fact that June is a sugar free month and ignore tomorrow and eat my cupcakes!!!? Yes? No. I don't know. I really didn't think this through. 

Wish me luck!!

image via here 


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