March 21, 2017

Life


So guys, I had to make changes with this blog of mine and it's been just awful. There, I said it. Besides trying to figure things out with family, friends, and life...sometimes it's just bleh. Let's be real here; life is hard. Add some drama to it and it gets harder. Add a new hobby to it and it may add a few sprinkles but life still remains hard. Blogging? That's a whole different story.

So here I am still trying to figure out if this space of mine is really going to continue. Yet, as you all know I have had this blog for years and believe that writing helps any situation. It is a healthy distraction; a healthy way to deal with problems, or just a healthy way to share our thoughts, our visions and our lives!

This month is a not a happy month.
It started out with a reminder that life is short. My cousin's death six years ago proved it, a blog friend's dad passing proved it, and then my mom's death proved it once more. I know I have my guardian angels watching over me. I know they keep me grounded and help me get through it all. It may take longer than I anticipated but I know this is the right way for me. Yet, besides the past unfortunate moments, this month has also thrown another curve ball towards my somewhat stable life. Another blog friend's mother-in-law died. My best friends in Europe lost their mom last year {and it still pains me when I look at photos and I still have to pinch me saying; don't ask how their mom is doing...because well, ya know}, and now my husband's grandpa is in terrible shape and it looks like he will leave us this week. I dread the daily calls my mother-in-law makes. I appreciate her and her love. I know for her, this is a way to get her sadness out and not keep it in. Yet, it all brings back my still very fresh memories of two years ago. Two years ago today I was frantically calling Europe, trying to get a hold of someone somehow to figure out where the heck my mom was, and most importantly how she was doing. My hands were shaking, my voice was trembling and the second I head my mom's voice I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I almost cried but I didn't. I wanted to sound strong for mom. I didn't know it by then, but that conversation was one of the last ones I had with her. I was able to tell her I was doing well and I was happy. I didn't know it back then but the next six weeks would be torturing her and me alike. I know these moments will always come back. I know they are part of me. I know they are meant to bring back memories and remind me that life is fragile and short. I also know I am doing okay, and that I will get through this. We all will. Yet, with B and his grandpa, the daily updates and what not...all I want to do is hide in the closet and wait it out...preferably hugging one of my cats, and listening to relaxing music.

This month is not a happy month.
YET I am determined to make it as comfortable as even possible.
I got good news after all...my driver's license got renewed and while I was freaking out over a possible written test again I didn't have to take one, I didn't have to wait in line and my husband got off today. So he's making me brunch...with bacon and eggs. If that isn't a positive way to enjoy the day then I don't know what is. So, I am ready to embrace the rest of this month...with all the emotions around me, with all the sadness floating around, and with all the funny and happy moments and texts I get to receive until April welcomes us in a few days.

Life is messy, and life is hard.
I try to keep it all together, cherish each day with new hopes and new ideas. I also try to remind myself that no matter what happens I won't be alone. I also try to blog more, because writing how I feel and what I feel is important to me. It soothes my soul. It keeps me going. Let's hope I return more often. I already feel better and more me.

xox

2 comments :

The Flynnigans said...

Life is, indeed, crappy at times but there are so many things that are out of our hands and sadly, health is one of them. I'm so very sad to hear that Brent's grandfather isn't doing well.

I really know what those phone calls feel like... That's how it was with Jeff's dad for awhile there... And now, I actually have to stop myself from wondering what's going on or why he's calling... We don't have to be on pins and needles constantly getting updates about how Jeff's mom is doing....

Death is such a $hitty thing and it never gets easier, the pain just dulls a bit but there's always that longing for someone that will never be there again and that, is truly devastating and difficult to come to terms with....

Sending you lots of hugs!

P.S. So nice that B got the day off and he made breakfast for you. :)

xo

Tobia Nooke said...

Sending good thoughts your way. Find the little happy things in this sea of sadness and know happier times will come.

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