....

You know, life is funny.

One moment you are happy, relaxed, and you look at life so positively...

...and the next, your world is shattered into pieces, and you constantly ask yourself why.

And all this can happen within seconds, and you just sit there and do not understand what is going on. My world stopped turning yesterday.

Within seconds nothing seemed as it was, and nothing made sense anymore.
I believed thoughts and prayers were strong and would help us overcome something so tragic.
Unfortunately, and we all know this, sometimes thoughts and prayers are just not enough.
Sometimes nothing is enough.
Sometimes you just lose.
And we lost.
You.

♥ ♥ ♥

To my dear J.:

I remember the day you were born, I was helping mom fold laundry, and the phone rang and your dad happily pronounced your arrival on a quite beautiful day we all call Valentine's Day.
You brought light and happiness into our lives.

I remember you crawl towards me like a little baby crab. 

Just a few weeks ago I mentioned your funny walk, even though this is over eighteen years ago.

I played and danced with you, kissed you good-night, fed and changed you, helped you hold your little brother on the day he was born. You were my little one, and you were always that to me.

You made us all smile on my birthday parties - you were the highlight!!
We lost touch but that has nothing to do with the two of us or how I feel about you.

Your parents split and things changed, but our blood is the same.

You are part of me, and although life led us to different locations, life styles, and all we are family.

I am more than just thankful you went out and had fun, even followed my footsteps by going abroad for a few months...I am immensely proud of you. We all are.

Unfortunately, you did not hear me last week when I called your name, so we could not even say hello and  quickly toast to you turning 20! You were in a hurry to be some place, and things around us were loud, so no one's to blame. I am just beyond happy to have seen you then. 

Your mom, dad, and brother, as well as your cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, co-workers and many more you have touched are incredibly proud of you and love you.

What happened was beyond our control, and cannot be erased.
We are shocked, speechless, shaken, heartbroken, more than just sad, and in total conflict with our current world. There are no words to describe how painful it is to even think of the unspoken, to know that you are no longer around us, to even write this all out, but knowing you are not alone right now gives me peace and lets me believe that you are happy now - wherever you are.

Rest in peace.
You are missed.
Always.

Please keep my entire family in your thoughts and prayers.

And just for you J., so you don't need to find a dictionary or ask me all the time. ;)
*För dech gon ech erscht rächt gärn ad Fasnacht, denn das leggt au be der im Bluet. Du hesch zwar das Johr nedeso welle go, du als Guuggerchend, hesch en fantastischi Sach letscht sowie die Woche verpasst. Aber ond genau drom gon ech höt, wie gäschter, för eusi ganz Family a eusi 5ti Johresziit, denn öpper muess use - ech weiss du verstohsch das!!*

♥ S ♥