June 12, 2015

June Life

My lovelies,

it has been too long. It feels like forever and in a way it has been forever. I am doing well considering what I have been going through. It is funny to think of my current situation. I wanted to visit mom and make sure she is well taken care of, and then return to California after ten days. My ten days now have become probably six weeks, and I will stay even longer but there's light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. I can see it. I am managing, and I am handling it all well. Mom's apartment will be emptied June 30, most of her stuff is gone, given away, donated, or by next week will be tossed forever. I kept a lot, and sent a lot away. The post office definitely loves me. I should get a customer of the month trophy. Also, knowing friends and family took items to remember her by, and to enjoy a carpet or two or a TV or a huge wooden table or books...it means a lot.

Worst part of my entire month was to write her eulogy. I will not be speaking at her funeral. I have a speaker do that difficult task. Yet, I will have family come from Turkey and the US and they will not understand Swiss-German. So, I decided instead of having it all spoken in English all over again I will have it all written out on a paper for those who do not understand my first language. Mom thought, dreamed, and even spoke 99% Swiss-German, so why on earth would I have the service in regular German or any other language? Plus, who wants to lengthen a sad memorial service anyways...we know it hurts, we know it is sad, and we know it sucks...to have it repeated twice is redundant. 

Other than this lengthy process and quite frankly, discrimination against the ones who are left behind (there is so much paperwork to be dealt with it is insane and just morbid...come on, let me mourn, let me enjoy life and go on with it and not feel stuck in my hometown...I want to enjoy it, and I want to love it and look back to the summer I lost my mom, but the summer I also learned to live again without her), I am doing well. I have to remind myself that life goes on. It has to. Mom would have wanted it that way. I mean, let's be frank here, we all know the time will come when we have to say good-bye to our parents, our friends, our relatives...we just try to ignore this very open fact.

I am doing well. Yes, I have said this three time already...but I am. Okay, yes, I have my moments and I know those moments will repeat themselves...especially when I am back in California surrounded by my in-laws and hubby, all trying to help me out and stuff. I will be more than just grateful for their help (and they have been helpful ever since). Yet, I know, I will have good days, and I will have terrible days. 

The good days I know will be in July...early July I will be flying to Istanbul to see my entire relatives again. It will be a family reunion after many many years. It has been years that we were all together in one place...usually always one part was missing...either my uncle from the US with his clan, or my Turkish cousins were doing a year abroad or something. This time we all will be together. Just mom will be missing but I will honor her that whole time and make sure we will remember her. Also, the main reason I am going is my cousin's wedding. What better thing to do than celebrate life and love by attending your cousin's special day? We have always been close so it will be just an awesome celebration. Also, she is coming to mom's memorial service...if she can come for a few days to my place, then I can come for a few days to her place.

Also, I am trying to have most things settled and handled this month so I can fly back home to California in July. Please send me some happy, healthy, and speedy thoughts and vibes over. I need them more than ever. I am almost done here. I miss California. I miss my favorite person, and I miss my life there. Sounds weird but I chose to live there and be there so it is time to do this exact thing. I really do not want to stay here any longer than I have to. I am so exhausted and so ready to leave...so send me some good vibes please. Thank you!!!

One day I will catch up...promised!


images via {I don't remember} and here


Sam M said...

I totally agree! It's so much work and stress after a loved one passes away. So much paperwork and arrangements to do all while you're grieving, it doesn't seem right. I'm glad to hear you're doing ok, and that you get to surround yourself with loved ones. That was definitely the #1 comfort for me after my mother passed. I hope your cousin's wedding is beautiful and I wish you a speedy California return.

The Flynnigans said...

It will be bittersweet when you leave....

Take care my friend... And hey, I know you're grieving and I don't want to smother or hover, but I'm here for you....



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