May 30, 2009

Move On

Thankfully it's the weekend again. I do have to work today, Saturday, but after that a longer weekend is hopefully letting me relax and pamper myself. I just want to sit back, do nothing special and breathe in and out while the day passes by. Ok, I don't want to be stuck at home either. I just want to take it very slow and easy the next couple of days. Life's too short and we should celebrate each hour, even minute and all that so we can later on say "YES, I did something or at least I lived the moment..." whatever the moment might have been.

Two days ago I learned that one of my Swiss friends I met nine years ago in Oakland can now call himself a father. Wonderful. The pictures of his cute little baby are just brilliantly done and I'm so happy for him. Then, yesterday I got a message saying that someone I just met is expecting, too and in about what? 5 weeks or so, another friend of mine is about to deliver a cute little girl. It seems as if everyone around me just either gets married, or gets babies or is expecting or whatever...and where am I? In the middle of what? Quarter-life crisis? Maybe. Definitely. Who knows. I'm not entirely jealous although I would be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm happy for each and everyone that has majored that part in life and is now entering or has entered that stage in life - parenthood. I'm not jealous in terms of I-want-that-too-and-I-want-it-now. However, at my age, you certainly start thinking about stuff like that and you take it a lot more serious than at age 20. It's a want-don't want relationship...of some. You want what others have, or you want what you wanted when you were 20 or a bit older or younger, and now you look at yourself and wonder where the time went and why you are not there where you wanted to be in the first place. You feel stuck, stupid, weak maybe, alone, angry, frustrated, jealous, happy for others, still jealous though great because you can go home without kids crying around you. Then though reality bites you in the neck and tells you that you either have to change something fast or you have to live with whatever's bothering you and continue being slightly jealous.
How does my case look like? Let me think... I am a slightly bit jealous as mentioned before, though am happy that when I'm at home I don't have to change diapers (yet), and that I can spend my money on new shoes (which I did yesterday). I am angry at myself though for so many things and I deeply know that I have to change something in my life and I have to change it fast. I call it my quarter-life crises...which I believe everyone at some point experiences. It's part of the grown-up process and part of life...otherwise every day would be boring, and dull. I want my days to be all colorful, exciting, and full of new experiences...good ones of course. I want to enjoy moments and hear music if possible whenever I do something that enriches my life with new perspectives. If I don't hear the music or see the colors I feel trapped in a grey world. Sounds odd I'm sure, and some may say I should see someone and talk to that someone. We won't call names now. However, I don't need that. It's my quarter-life crisis and I'm taking care of it. I've always have, and always will. It's that part of life you never want to admit exists but in all of us it sure does....
Felt like this is an appropriate picture...and yes, I somewhat do miss this city!

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