If I Could I Would...

...send you flowers each day, especially today!

Today is my mom's birthday.
Today is a tough day.

I don't even know if I should say "today was my mom's birthday".

What is correct? What is appropriate?
All I know is that today she would have received another beautiful set of flowers, a bunch of skype and phone calls from us and much more. If I could I certainly would. If I could I would send her flowers each day. Flowers don't say much but the thought counts. 

Today is a tough day.

I am trying to distract myself with work, music, and the thought that she is now much better and that she wants me to remember her and not cry like a freaking maniac. I have cried enough and even though it is part of this whole grieving process, my face, my skin and my eyes are over this wetness I create on an almost daily basis. I have not found the perfect make-up to cover up my bags or red face I get from crying. Mom would be frowning just knowing I cry so much. She definitely frowned a lot but this time I would agree with her. It is enough.

Today is a tough day.

I will honor her with one of her favorite dishes - a dish she made a lot for me years ago. I am so glad I asked her for the recipe. Today I will cook this easy dish, drink a glass of white wine in her honor and thank her for bringing me into this world, for allowing me to be me {even though she never wanted to let go off me}, and for making me sad because my sadness shows I loved her and still do and really truly miss her wherever I am.

Happy Birthday, Mami.
I hope you are doing well wherever you are and know you are in all our thoughts. One year ago you celebrated your big birthday with family and friends...today you are hopefully seeing us celebrate you one more time, just a bit differently. 

Today is definitely tough and if I could I would send you flowers!

imagive via etsy

My Europe Trip {1}

In May I had to abruptly fly to Europe to spend incredible last hours with my mom and say my good-byes to her. I am still in awe at how everything turned out to be so negative, so unfair, so fast and so unexpected. However, it was the right thing to do, and today I know it was the right timing for me. If I had gone earlier to see her my hopes would have been up and I would have been more devastated. I still carry anger with me, and I am still upset at everything but I understand that this needed to happen whether or not I liked the outcome. 

So flying to Europe was not exactly a positive trip for me, BUT even on my saddest and darkest days I tried to find happiness and enjoy my months in Europe. Being back home was fantastic yet sad. I was able to see some friends and their beautiful children, see family, talk endless hours about life and love, eat my favorite dishes, see sights I hadn't seen in years, and I learned that no matter what happens in life, we gotta move forward and keep smiling. I wanted to do more but did not have the energy to do so. Exhaustion sucks. 

Finding happiness and beauty was one major thing that kept me going {and knowing I will be reunited with my favorite person again of course}. So with my old iPhone I captured what I could and today I am sharing it with you.

Switzerland - the Swiss weather blessed us most days...hot, blue skies, and some rain at times. Perfection.

Yes I saw that sheep. It was actually a cute one. I still kept my distance though. I took a lot of shots of the lake, panoramas of my hometown, and of simple, ordinary things most people take for granted and would not even ever consider taking a photo of. Imagine me taking photos of cobblestones, a bottle of soda, and street names. Weird, I know. I had a good time in Switzerland despite everything.

Today I am coming to terms with everything, and I know it is for the better that I am in California and not in Europe at the moment. Fingers crossed I get to recover smoothly and happily. Just blogging alone and knowing I am doing this somewhat on a regular basis again is a good sign I think. No?!

I have more photos to share with you but didn't want to share too much at once. :)

Hope your day is going great!!!

Happy Wednesday!

xoxo

P.s. Don't worry, I didn't eat any of that pastry. I was trying to but friends kept me away. Good friends, really good friends.

Coffee first, then a HomeGoods run

When you move thousands of miles and move into a new place you always need to work on making that new place feel like home. When we moved I was going through a horrible time. I was pretty much cleaning out a home and filling boxes in Europe while my folks here in California were opening up boxes and moving furniture around. I put all my faith into them that everything worked out beautifully, without any back ache and sore muscles. Everything went well. However, when you leave your guy alone for so long {yes, unwillingly} and regularly send boxes home you come home to a mess. 

Last week and this week I have opened up thirteen boxes {the last one has yet to arrive}, organized the kitchen {I pretty much switched everything around, including the fridge}, the bathroom, linen closet, laundry corner, bedroom, and closet. The living room didn't need much. However, it still needs to have some life added to it. It is sooooo boring.

So my current work is to make my new home feel more like home. Home may be where the heart is as yesterday's post talked about...but it also needs to look and feel like home. 

This is my update so far: 

* I need YOUR help and ideas

The kitchen needs a clock. A colorful one, I want to have fun while cooking.

The bathroom has gotten a touch of turquoise/teal color added; two to three items are still missing. 

*The dining area has a real table and chairs!! YAY. Something is missing though; a picture? Letters?

The entrance is complete. Maybe a cute tray to put keys on is needed?! Hmmmm...

The living room needs a rug, and new pillows!

The bedroom needs a cozy corner and a mirror.

*The closet is almost complete. It needs a better shoe rack {why do I have so many shoes?}, and a place to put my purses. I also need a better jewelry box; mine is too small now. I inherited some cute things from my mom. Vintage all the way. Yay.  

The balcony is complete. MIL brought us plants and we love them.

*The outdoor entrance...should or shouldn't I decorate it? Ideas? Come Halloween I will add a pumpkin or two.

I need a strong coffee first and then hit up HomeGoods and other places...

...wish me luck and don't forget to give me any ideas. I'm a hands-on kind of girl...I must touch the material first before I purchase it. Weird I know. I would have better chances ordering online I am sure.

xoxo

images via here / here / here / here

Home is Where the Heart is

This summer started off by being shocking, draining, and just downright sad. I have come to terms with what happened. Not saying I am over it or not grieving anymore. However, there is nothing left in me that denies what happened or fights the idea of what happened. Life happens. I have to remind myself every day that everyone fights some sort of a battle; whether it is an illness, the loss of something or someone, a broken home, or just a really really bad day. I am not alone. We are all in this together but we walk our own walk and fight our own fight - with or without the help of friends or family. 

When I went home this year I never imagined to go through what I had to go through. Granted I knew this day would come but didn't expect it to arrive this early and suddenly. Either way, I am proud of how I handled it and how I tried to make myself smile and enjoy my hometown for a while. I realized that home to me is not merely where I grew up or where I feel safest. It's a combination of many things including safety, happiness, memories, a place that allows me to be me, and a place that allows me to grow in all directions. Home is certainly also where the heart is. 

So where is my heart?

It is definitely in Northern California, in Southern California, in Istanbul, and in Luzern. Each one of these area offers another definition to what I call home. Luzern is my hometown. I was born and raised there. I have friends there. I have memories there. I will return to visit. Istanbul is home to me as well. I have family and friends there. I have memories there. I can be me, and this city allows me to grow and be astonished every year I return to it. Southern California is home to be because I felt happiest there while in the US. It allowed me to be me and grow. I feel safe there and have memories there as well, even though nothing beats Europe. Northern California. Who knew I would return after I left it 15 years ago? NorCal and I have a special bond. I am beginning to like it again, and make memories with my favorite person. It allows me to be me but so far I have yet to find that new me. Time will tell. Sunsets, too.

In short...my home is where I am physically - right now. However, my mental state still lingers in other places. I know this will change, I just don't know when. You'd think it is only in Northern California since we chose to move and live here, yet, I don't know...it is not yet home home.

Where is your home?
Is it where you currently live, or where you grew up?
Or it is somewhere else?

California!!!

It is time. I am finally going home to California.
I have spent the last 2 1/2 months in agony. I have questioned my future, my life, life in general, and just wished to be back home. The day has finally come and I am going to be reunited with the love of my life, my favorite state, and my home forever. I am so excited it's not even funny. I am ready to say good-bye to Switzerland, and to take with me memories I will share with my future children, friends, and whoever. This summer will be unforgettable as it wasn't the most beautiful summer ever. However, I have learned that life is full of surprises and that life does continue no matter what obstacles are in the way.

I am beyond excited to wrap my arms around my man at the airport. I have missed him more than words can say. So, enjoy the rest of this week and think of me as I am letting go of my sad summer and making the best out of this summer that is left of this year. I need to work on my summer list as well and will edit it from time to time, so don't forget to stop by there as well. And of course, I will be back writing posts again...just give me time!

California here I come!!!!! 

I will be home again!!

xoxo

image via here

Five Steps to Help One Recover

Seven full weeks have past. Seven! I cannot believe it. Where did the time go? Really. I have been away from currently very hot Northern California for eight weeks; that is also terrible. But, it has been seven full weeks. What is worst about these seven weeks is that I have not been able to fully grief, to mourn, to let go of my feelings, the pain, the sorrow, the everything I feel that makes me miss my mom ever so dearly. I have let go of some. I had to. Though this is a process, and if you have lost anyone close in your life, anyone dear in your precious life, you know that this is a process that will take months, if not years. This is not something you just shake off as Taylor Swift would say. This is something you have to deal with, you have to face each day, each second even, just to get by.  This is a process no one wants to go through but at some point in life kind of has to.

There's people who can deal with this long period of grief in a very simply, easy way. They don't technically shake it off but they do recover quite easily, and do not seem to feel much sorrow or pain. They do, but their way to get over that huge hole of darkness is less complicated, less sad, less everything. Then, there's people who have to deal with this grief differently. There's a black hole that looks too big to jump over, but also looks like it is slowly closing up to make room for a new path in life. I believe I am somewhere in between these two people. My aunt for example seems to be okay with whatever happened. Granted, she is healing differently, she is dealing differently. She has lost her husband, my beloved uncle, many months ago and yet it is still fresh. She has lost her grandchild way too early as well. She seems to have it all figured out. I, on the other hand, know that I must deal with the sudden loss of my mom differently. I have not lost my love for life, but I have lost purpose at the moment. I freaked out. I got burned out. I had no time to grief. It has been seven weeks but holy mother of whatever, I cleaned everything out, I organized everything, and figured it all out and had literally no time to sit down and accept what really happened. It came to me last week. My chest still hurts. My left side still hurts. My doctor said I am stressed, exhausted, and just in pain because I have lost a parent; and in my case it is in a way two parents since mom was mother and father at the same time. I have learned to let go of my feelings. When my chest hurts I start to cry and poof...the pain is gone. Just like that. I take hot showers {no bathtub where I am currently staying} and poof the pain is gone. I cry a lot. I watch a lot of TV or movies {thank you Netflix for working in Europe}, and I just try to go out as often as possible...not to get stuck in a room or apartment for too long. This gets really depressing, really.

So, the best five things I learned over the past two weeks that help me recover from my loss are the following:

1) LOTS of rest and fluids {herbal teas, and water, and maybe some coke}

2) Lots of fresh air, even if it is just a walk around the corner and back into bed...fresh air is crucial.

3) Crying. It is okay to cry. It is normal. No one looks pretty when crying so no worries there. Crying helps ease the pain, and let go of trapped emotions - and I have many trapped emotions.

4) Talking about it. It is not easy to talk about it here in Switzerland so I am going to talk about my loss once I am back in California. My in-laws are helping me find a place to go to. I learned that it is best for me to talk about it to someone or a group of neutrals. Friends here are helpful, family too. But when you talk to someone who didn't know mom, is fully new to the story...that is sometimes even more helpful. I even talked to my doctor here. She may just be my regular doc but telling her already helped tremendously. Oh, and writing about it helps, too.

5) Look forward to the future. I mean, as much as it hurts to look back and see photos of mom or hear someone talk about her...and as much as I want her here with me, she won't be with me physically. She will be next to me in spirit I know that and I feel it but I have to let go of the what if's, and look ahead. The future is bright. The future is mine. I have a wedding to attend. I bought a brilliant dress, and I am ready to celebrate my cousin's big day!!!! I have a husband to return to, a new place to finally enjoy living in, and a future as bright as even possible.

These five things are so easy, so ordinary. It's usually the simply things that make the most sense. It's like when tiny, little things enrich our lives even more than the bigger, more expensive items do. Simplicity is key. And patience. 

As much as I want to sleep for the next three weeks I know I cannot. I will sleep in longer and go to bed earlier but I will not let mom take over my life and make it sad. I am a happy girl. I deserve happy moments. I deserve sunny days, and walks along the lake. I deserve a chest that will not hurt any more. I deserve cry-less days. I deserve happiness away from my hometown. I deserve to return to my favorite person and spend the rest of our lives together. I deserve a new bag once I return, I deserve doggie kisses, I deserve the smell of a new baby {my best friend just got her second this week}, I deserve pure, unaltered, ridiculous happiness...in any way possible. I want it all. I need it all.

So I am letting go of this heavy heavy burden and pain in my heart and chest. I am letting go of those what if's because they do not exist anymore. I am letting go of the thought mom would call. I am letting go of whatever there is I must let go of to fully be able to live my life the only way I know how and want to. I am letting go of her. I am letting go of negativity. 

I am embracing today...a day I am channeling an easier way to get over that black hole and making it close up faster. I know it won't happen in a day but there's hope. One step at a time. I know I can. Thanks to writing it out it already helps a bit...a bit is better than nothing at all. No?

YES. I am using those five steps to recover...slowly but eventually I will be there.

So excuse me, I am going for a walk right now...and I will listen to cheesy but fun music...distraction is also key, not just patience and simplicity.

xoxo

image via here and here and here

When Life Teaches You A Lesson

One week ago today my mom passed away. Suddenly, too soon, too fast, and so not expected. The initial shock, the madness, the crazy thoughts, the sadness, and the angry thoughts are gone. The shock is gone. Acceptance....well, what else can one do but to accept what happened. If I could I would turn back time. If I could I would do a lot of things differently. Yet, everything happens for a reason.

My mom wasn't sick, wasn't old, but had unfortunate circumstances happening to her that medically speaking it wasn't possible to heal a thing, or anything. I had to listen to doctors and surgeons telling me that medically speaking it is not possible; that they have tried everything they could have; that literal shit like this can happen and is happening now. Imagine me, fully jet lagged, exhausted already from stress, sitting in a sterile room at 9pm on a Tuesday night looking into a doctor's eyes and hearing the unspeakable...shock is all I felt, I still feel it sometimes. I am beyond happy I could see her, talk to her, assure her I am happy and yes, I AM HERE. I was hoping this would help in some way, hoping it would heal her and give her body strength but I was mistaken.

What I am left with is a mess of paperwork that needs to be handled, an apartment that needs to be emptied, and items of mine that need to be shipped abroad. It's a doable mess but it is overwhelming. I have no siblings and no close family that could help. I have a few friends and I know they will help, and I am not afraid to ask for help. I am going to give up part of my life here in Switzerland, part of me, but that part will live on and I will not forget where I am coming from, and who I am. I promised this to my mom, and I stand to my promise.

As I am mourning the loss of my best friend, of my mom, I hope I won't disappoint some of you by not posting as much. Life will resume, and it must but in due time. Blogging will not be a major part of my life this summer, or at least not until I am back home reunited with my favorite person. He sadly couldn't join me. I wish he was here. I really really wish. I need strength, and I need help but I know I am not alone in this. It's struggles that make us stronger, and this struggle is already making me stronger.

Hope you are having a great day.
Go out, hug someone, say hello, and thank you, and cherish the moments...any moment...even the ones that you want to throw away and yell at. Cherish those too. Trust me. 

Miss you all.

xoxo

image via here

Vacation Time!

It is finally time to go home. Sort of. We are heading back south to Los Angeles and Orange County. I am beyond thrilled. I cannot even put it into words. Knowing that I will be in familiar territory again, seeing all or at least most of my friends, and going to my favorite restaurants excites me so incredibly much I could give each and every one of you reading this a huge hug. If you feel something squeezing you that would be me.

Have you ever gone away for a while and returned home?
How did you feel?

I don't feel as excited as I would be when flying to Europe but I could still jump up and down, and twirl around for hours. So looking forward to cooler temperatures, playing with dogs and cats, and going to the beach. So ready for this. I have really missed it. Eeeeek....so excited!!!!!

xoxo

P.s. I'll be still blogging though. :) 

image via here

Today, I miss Switzerland!

Happy August!!
It's Switzerland's birthday today.

I would normally spent time with friends and family, eating yummy food but not today.
However, it is Friday - so, I can easily create a little patio BBQ at home.
I can dress up in red and white {Switzerland's colors are red and white, and please don't mix them up with the colors of the RedCross} and still come up with some bubbly, salads, meat, and veggies. Our BBQs aren't much different than American BBQs. 

Hope you are having a fabulous day today!
I am posting this early...so I can go out and grocery shop, dress up and celebrate a little.
Plus, a few skype dates are in order as well.

Happy 1st of August!!!!

I Left My Heart in San Francisco ~ Again

Last week, on our day off, we decided to drive to San Francisco for a day. We ended up staying two days and stayed overnight with family. The main reason we wanted to do this was our rental car. Over 4th of July a lady literally drove backwards into our car {while we were already out and turning to leave the parking lot - she did not pay attention whatsoever and it was too late for us to react fast enough}, so we had to have our lovely car repaired. No dramatic damage but the total cost came up to $700; it's not just nothing. Anyways, so while our car was undergoing surgery we got a rental - a lovely brand stinking new Toyota Prius. Awesome mileage, and a brand new car...that just goes with San Francisco. No?

Since my favorite person had never been to SF before {a total shocker to me, since this is my absolutely favorite city in the US} I was more than just happy to visit the city with him. After all, I used to live there years ago and I just miss the big city feel. I am a big city girl there is no denying that - so naturally this trip made my month! I took my man for a loooooooong walk around the city. We parked the car, and then walked. I kept asking if he was okay and would love to take public transportation {he's not so much into PT but I will teach/show him over time that the one in SF is brilliant} - he always said he was okay. I could tell he wasn't used to walking up and down hills but kept going. Once we got back to our car we drove around to where we needed to go, so that gave our legs, feet, and hips a break. :)

While walking I tried to snap away a few photos here and there. I hate looking and acting like a tourist in any city. Granted I am not a tourist in this city but stopping and taking photos in the middle of a street automatically makes you look like one. 

We had a fabulous breakfast at Just For You Cafe. They even have wheat free pancakes available {yet, wheat free is not fully gluten free} but I stayed away and ordered eggs, bacon, potatoes, and two slices of gluten free bread. Needless to say I was in heaven!!!

 

Gluten free bakery and all kinds of goods? Yes, please!!!!

We also quickly stopped by Berkeley for lunch and then headed home. Unfortunately, we also had to return our lovely rental car that same day. Ten minutes after we arrived back home and stretched our legs we got a call saying the car woke up from surgery and was ready to be picked up. Boo. We were sad, but also happy to get a familiar car back. Rentals are great, and when insurance pays for it it's even better. Yet, the familiarity of your car will never be there.

 

This is my little gossip of today. Linking up with Leeann for Monday Morning Gossip. I had a blast in San Francisco. I finally felt like myself again. I am rejuvenated. Even though we walked a ton {literally, my legs were sore I have to admit that much} our little trip felt like heaven. We needed a break from hot and to us, boring, Sacramento. We needed cooler air, the ocean, and some things to explore. We got all that and I believe even my favorite person liked it. I might have scarred him though with all the walking, but it was a fabulous getaway. So glad we could stay with family as well - saved us a ton of money, and nerves! 

Happy Monday everyone!

Home Inspiration

Moving always comes with two things: packing and unpacking, as well as organizing and decorating a new place. Lately, I have the urge to decorate. I have so much time to kill I need to do something. Yes, besides looking for a job, wedding planning (yes yes! - if you haven't heard the news click here), and cooking I feel the need to add some accents to our apartment. Granted, it is not our house, and it is just temporary but that does not mean it should look and feel boring. I want our place to be a home we look forward to returning. A cozy haven away from all the craziness outside our corners, and a place to smile at and feel welcome.

Lobster | Lantern Strings | Letters | Bottles | Bar Cart

These are just a few of my favorite ideas I have come across the Internet. The letters would work beautifully on our patio. We have an outdoor socket so we would not have to wire everything indoors. Also, the wine bottles will be a great way to lighten up the apartment and make use of them after we enjoyed their flavorful wines. Plus, I have been looking for some wisdom/quotes/inspiration for our place and found the cute quote from Friends {if you are familiar with the show you know what that means}. 

Any ideas for me? Any websites or ideas you could recommend?

Monday Morning Gossip - Homesickness

I received a little surprise package from my mom and that's what was in there.

Sour apple rings (my absolute favorites) and grape sugar, literally.

No one understands this so I'd say it's glucose/dextrose.
You can still roll your eyes in amazement that you don't get me here...I have tried to find something close to it here in the US and have so far been very unsuccessful. Let's just call it sugar...to keep your levels and energy going. Love it right before a test or a heavy time of work that won't allow me to grab extra power aka fuel of some kind. Needless to say, it's an energy booster. 

Pardon the wrinkled green tablecloth and what not...but that's the only photo I took.
I took it and sent it to my mom to thank her.
What she doesn't know is that the second I opened the package and saw what was in it I started crying.

And the waterfall continued to stream down my face. 

I have no idea why this happened but it did.

I know I miss my mom, my friends, and places I love and all...

...it's not the first time that I have been away this long...

so, bursting into a heavy and almost unstoppable crying fest wasn't expected and certainly wasn't on my calendar today.

I guess I am more homesick than I let myself realize.

With technology so advanced these days it's a lot easier to stay in touch.W

ith free texts (hello iMessage, or even WhatsApp messages via wifi) it's certainly been fun.
Also, facebook and skype have helped to stay in touch.
It is never the same though.

It makes you feel close for a few seconds or minutes. You talk to a person and in a few seconds you get a response back. This makes it real, and feel so close. Almost intimate.

However, we are miles and a whole ocean and sea apart.

Crazy.

So, besides an interesting heat wave in Southern California (and enjoying it immensely) I am beyond homesick. It's been a great start into this week, really.

Happy Monday everyone!!!

xoxo

P.s. Linking up with Monday Morning Gossip with Leeann and Kimberlee

Back Again

I am fully back in California. Not yet adjusted but doing well. Jet lag is a nasty little thing but I'm handling it gracefully - with a coke bottle in one hand and sunglasses on 24/7 so no one would think bad about my tired puffy eyes. 

I have been mostly relaxing, unpacking, snuggling the doggies, and enjoying the cooler weather. Unfortunately, I received an email today that wasn't pleasant. A friend's husband passed away after his surgery last week and it's weird to think of this whole situation as even happening. I mean, I'm so far away and reading that this is happening right now is just so surreal. However, in other (better) news...I'm meeting one of my best friends today for a light dinner. Can't wait. I need my funky friend to cheer me up and distract me from everything. ;) Girl time is always fun, no?!

More updates on my whereabouts this summer, upcoming craziness, and reviews (I have two so far) will follow...I'm a little behind these days but I'm sure you are okay with that.

Missed you all.

xoxo

Bye Europe, See You Later

My bags are packed, everything is ready. I should be ready too.

My time in Europe is over for now.
I will miss it. I will long for it.
But, home is where the heart is, right?
My heart wants to adjust again and longs for another place.

Enough said.

I will miss my mom, my friends, their families and children, and everything I will miss when I am not there with them. It is what I chose to do. It is what needs to be done. 

It's funny, whenever I doubt myself there's this scene in The Notebook (don't judge) and the obvious question towards the end of the film to choose for oneself what one really wants in life. Whenever I doubt myself, have second thoughts and what not I think of this scene and ask myself if what I am doing is what is making me happy, and if it is something I want to do or if it is something I am forced to do. I always know the answer before I even ask the question.

I'll miss you, Europe.
Be kind to my people.

And also, be kind to me.

See ya next year Europe!!!

xoxo

If you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own

I'm back. Not completely back but I'm back online, back in western Europe and able to start a computer on my own wireless and type again. And, I have time. Plenty of time. I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I'll be back and that you may have to except some sort of comments from me in the near future. Also, as I am still unpacking and settling back into a colder and wetter last days of June in Switzerland and/or Germany, I thought I'd share with you the following video.

While I was away in lovely Istanbul, and while I was probably annoying you with twitter *or even FB* updates that didn't fully make sense to you as we were experiencing something no one had experienced before in Istanbul, let alone in Turkey...I came across this video. My friend posted it and I thought it was perfect. It's exactly what it means to be human and to act like one. In times like these we all need to be reminded to act kind to one another, regardless on how we are feeling in that particular moment *I'd have a story to tell you, please remind me of the cat-hater!*.

But until then...enjoy the video.
And...if you happen to know where this video originated let me know. I'm unable to find out. Not sure what I'm doing wrong today. :( 

And don't forget...GOOGLE READER IS DYING PRETTY SOON. So, follow along vie bloglovin' or feedly or email or anything else you can think of. I'd appreciate it.