September 14, 2016

The Ever Returning Enemy: Grief!

Grief is like the unwanted relative visiting you or bugging you, or the friend you cannot let go off, or the boyfriend your heart longs for but your mind knows better. Grief stays. Unwanted. Unloved. Bothersome. And especially making one long for someone or something that no longer is. 

Grief is the enemy to our happy soul. It arrives mostly announced and out of nowhere. Sometimes it lets you know ahead of time that it will arrive but oftentimes this is not the case. Worst of all, the enemy to our happy soul, the unwanted one, stays forever! Rude.

Personally I have had my fair share with grief. I got different visits, at different times, and not one has hit me as hard as the one last year. It took me over a year to come to terms that yes, I have this visitor eating all my joy and motivation and that this visitor will probably not leave. Ever. So I fought back. Slowly. I kept it a secret because, well, grief couldn't and should not know what I was up to. It worked. Granted, I had to accept that this visitor will be yet another part of me. So I decided to fight back on a daily basis. I cannot let this enemy of mine win. I am the only one who can win and I should win. The other times I dealt with loss I had hardly any issues. Yes, I mourned. I cried. I wept actually, for days and weeks. But then, it was over. Grief nestled in a corner and stayed there. Easy.

Last year though, grief was not quiet. Grief was loud, obnoxious, ridiculous, and especially annoying. I wanted to fire grief. If it were this easy I would have done it. The enemy stays, and needs to find a place to stay and settle somewhere. So while grief tried to do just that I was perplexed, frozen, in pain and mad. Fighting back took time because, just like my enemy, I had to be slick. So how did I do it?!

I took time off!!!
Off of everything!

Now, not everyone can do this. I was blessed. I wanted to get back into a routine, follow my dreams, work, do things that would distract me, but I was in pain. Physical pain. There were times I couldn't move my arms or legs. My neck was a totally different story. My body was in constant shock. I worked hard on getting this part of the process fixed, and today I can say that I haven't felt this good in over a year. Not all distractions are good, you know. You may think they are, but they aren't. I still have issues going out and meeting new people, or attending conferences, or a simple birthday party. My body tenses up and then I can't breathe and well, we can guess what follows next. It's freaking annoying and disruptive. So, taking time off was the only option for me. Luckily, I was okay being around B, his family, and occasional visit from friends. I remember walking back home after my friend dropped me off and I felt relieved. Crazy. Love my friend but seeing her and her family after a few years and meeting up should not be intense. I loved seeing her, my body didn't agree. So taking off, avoiding some events, laying low {on the couch with reruns of old shows}, focusing on me and my body was the only thing that worked for me. It's the most bizarre thing ever because I always thought I'd be okay when I get distracted. I was before, just not this time around. I guess, it is very true...people change. And we change at the most impractical times.

Last week I learned of sad news. It hit home for me once more. I was so perplexed that at some point I had to go back to some texts to check and see if I dreamed it all. I didn't. It was real. Needless to say, my body decided to cramp up again. Holy cow!!!! I did however sleep a lot better at night. So, what changed?! My constant and unwanted visitor let go. This ever returning enemy of mine still sits in a corner, arms crossed and all, but the enemy decided to loosen up the knots. I felt one loosen up last night. It cracked. Literally. I felt so much better this morning. It's incredibly crazy how one reacts to dramatic events. Seriously. It's crazy. And what I have experienced will most probably not be what you have experience {or will experience one day}. It's one crazy roller coaster! 

Despite the sad new, the few hours I cried my heart out for my friends, life, love, family, and what not...I found a way back to reality; a way back to the NOW.
The ever returning enemy can visit but it cannot put me down. It can shock me, but I will fight back. I will find a way back to my own person, to my own personality. I let my passions go, I let my desire to be a great friend, daughter, cousin, and wife vanish...but no more!!! I want to reconnect, I want to discover, I want to experience, I want to help. I want to be me again. I need to be me again in order to fight back; even after 16 months. I am ready, and grief can kiss my well-shaped behind and stay in the corner; heavily sulking I hope. 


The Flynnigans said...

Onward and upwards my friend. This is a long process but necessary so you don't keep falling back into that abyss of a crappy place.
Just remember one day at a time, each day is a chance to start anew. And give yourself some slack, you've been through the wringer.

Love you Xoxox!

Elle Sees said...

So happy to hear from you! I appreciate you sharing your struggles with grief and approaches towards it. You are truly an inspiration! Sometimes I think I'm ok with my dad's passing and then it will be all new, like I'm just realizing it happened.


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