Mid-week always makes me ponder. I have long given up the "what if's" in my life. Wondering what might have happened "if we would have or could have..." will not change the present. We have to live in the NOW and not in the past or the possible future. My life has taken a totally different route than I intended it to go. I had plans to return home and start a life back home. Spending time with my dear friends {and their families} as well as with my family was the plan. Yet, life happened and I let it work on me. Life really happens. All the time.
Should I have turned down opportunities in my life just to follow the plan I initially had?!
Would I be happily living the plan I had in mind?
I don't know. I didn't turn down opportunities and I followed the path I thought was right for me in that moment. I decided to meet people, go out, live the moment, fall in love, find my path and follow that way. Life happened for me. I did not share my happiness with everyone right away because last time I committed to let everyone in, disappointment rolled in and ruined it all. My family ruined it for me. As much as they love me and believe they know what is best for me {and I don't blame them}, their thoughts and beliefs are not working for me. I am not my mother, nor am I my aunts or cousins. As much as I would love to please everyone and make them proud of me I am sure I disappointed most of them by being me.
Yet, that is exactly it. I am who I am. I have grown to be the person I want to be. I have my own style, my own ideas, make my choices, and cook the things I want to cook. I study what I think is right for me, and I read and exercise life the way I believe is right for me. I am me. Take me or leave me. Accept me or don't but don't shove it in my face. Be happy that I found my way. Be happy that I am happy. Don't remind me of the "if's or what's" in life. It won't change a thing. You just make me miserable. You make me second guess my decisions. By second guessing I get sad, cranky and even ridiculously annoying. That is not me. No one wants to be that way. So just let me be me. That is all I am asking for. Let me be the person I grew up to be, and love me the way I am.
It took me thirty years to accept all this. It took me a while to learn to live my own life and not the one my mom wanted me to live. After all I am not my mom. I'm just half of her. It took me this long to ignore e-mails from people who just put me and my actions down. I refuse to answer calls from my godmother because she just makes me incredibly insecure and sad by her harsh words. I know she means well and I know she wants the best for me. Yet, I am not her. I am me. I am okay not having as much as she is having. It's my life. It's my choice and it's my happiness.
Mid-week really makes me think. It is a good thing though. It definitely is. I love the friends who have been around and cannot wait to see me again. One of my besties is expecting her second child this summer and I am beyond excited for her and her young family. I have missed seeing her little one grow up and walk but she sends me regular videos and photos of her girl and it is just like me living back home and living the life I once had in mind. Life happened for my friend, and it is happening for me. I just let it be and take us where it takes us. So far, I love where it's been pushing us towards and I cannot be happier.
If you were wondering why I am writing this post today...well, it is Ash Wednesday and back home I would be recuperating from a heavy week of Carnival Celebrations. It started last week on Thursday at 5am and ended last night {or super late this morning}. I watched most of it online through a web cam, cried a little, laughed and sang a lot, and lived vicariously through my friends posting photos and updating me on things. I shared a bit years ago on the blog about the fifth season in my hometown, I certainly missed it this year again.
My life is great, and I love every single bit of it - the good, the bad, the sad, and the crazy! ;)
xoxo
image via here
8 comments :
What a wonderful and strong post, Selma.
I can somewhat relate how you feel and there are times when I don't want to pick up the phone because I know the person calling will make me feel bad, insecure and just not enough. It's sad when it happens within ones family.
I admire how open, direct and strong you write about it. I am still somewhat in the middle of my very own struggle.
All the best, Tobia
I just love you Selma. I've been having a super hard time at work lately. My coworkers haven't been very nice to me and I'm suffering a lot of hurt feelings. It's hard to remind myself that they don't mean a whole lot to me in the grand scheme of my life and their feelings towards me shouldn't make me feel bad. Ugh.
I think it is awesome that you realize that you need something different - a life that is your own. I too struggled under the shadow of a mother who wanted things and said things that just weren't me. It was hard, but I too finally came to the same conclusion you did. It's hard, it hurts, but it's also freeing! Big hugs.
Such a great post!!! Totally know the feeling. We have to remember that life is also a learning curve and sometimes we just have to go with it.
I think I need to take your advice and really just stop engaging with people that aren't positive, in my best interest and like-minded. Forever I've catered to everyone's needs and wants and never put myself forward. It's a horrible trap to fall into but your post reminded me that I need to just stop trying to fit into this mould of what I think people expect me to be and JUST BE.
Really great post, thank you. :)
Lindsay
www.theflynnigans.com
I love this post, darling. You write with such honesty and strength about such an important subject matter, and obviously one that's been weighing on you. Choices define us, but only in that moment - I think that everything we've done and will do keeps leading us to exactly where we need to be in that moment. I've also found that some choices I've made/mistakes I've made keep circling, probably because I didn't stand my ground or learn my lesson the first time!
You are a strong, beautiful woman who stands on her own and makes amazing life choices. I'm proud to have you in my life! xo
I love this and can relate SO MUCH. It took me a really long time to grow into the person I am and to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's incredible how difficult that can be, but I do think there's a certain level of acceptance and comfort that comes from exiting our 20s and figuring things out on our own.
Love this and your words. :)
Good for you. Good for you for finding the strength to be yourself, and for realizing what most people don't see: that there is no happiness to be found in trying to be what you are not, just to please others – no matter how much you may love them! You are you, and that is great. All you can do is strive to be the best *you* you can be, but never strive to be someone else.
That takes strength, and courage, so well done, girl! Sending you a big, giant hug.
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