January 15, 2016

A Letter to My Insecure Younger Self

Dear Selma,

Hi, how are you? I hope this letter finds you happy, smiling, and content with your life. If not, change it immediately because the world, with its current turmoil in several countries, is beautiful and awaits you to explore it. So get up and go and don't waste another minute of it. 

I am writing this to you today to let you know you should not look forward to being older. Enjoy every moment of your youth, every moment you spend with your mom; even the moments she drives you insane and seems not to understand you. Spend every moment with your grandma, even your grandfather and everyone else in your life. Make it a habit to visit family and friends more often. Don't take anyone for granted. Trust me. 

Do not frown at the high school choice your mom throws in your face. She wants you to get a great education and a better start into your future. One day you will know why. You will not like it the first day of school but it will get easier. High school will be not your favorite. You will do much better in French, and you will excel in English, History and German. Oh, and ignore those girls who talk behind your back and give you false promises. You will never see them again and you will not miss out a thing. The best thing out of high school will be one girl. Yes, the high school your mom will pick out for you will give you one amazing friend. You will become best friends for life. Trust me. You two will have ups and downs as it is expected in a friendship but it will be all worth it. She will be your sister and she will have great stories to tell you and you will be very proud of her accomplishments in life, including her little family.

There will be times where you just hate everything. This is OK. Don't roll your eyes. It happens to everyone. When you are about 18 you have the urge to travel. It is not just to travel, it is to leave your home. As much as it will hurt and as much as it will bring conflict to your life, follow that dream. Don't second-guess yourself. Don't hesitate. Your decision to do this is not to spite your mother or anyone else in your life. It is to make yourself happier and feel more fulfilled. Happiness is what you want! Always, always, remember this because when you are about 34 it will feel like you did it all on purpose. You did not. 
When you start your journey, remember that you are following your dream; the dream in your heart. Do not leave home forever. Your home, where you grew up, will always be part of you. So when you leave make sure you have plenty of phone calls with your mother, plenty of emails that you share. Plenty of everything. Even if it is repetitive, do it. Call every other day, email as often as possible, and later on text and Skype/FaceTime as often as possible; even on those days you don't feel like talking. Do it. Yes, you can hide certain things from her like everyone does {some details need no explanation or sharing} but do not block her out.

Enjoy every trip you take with your mom. Don't take her for granted. You won't in those moments you travel with her but when you reach a certain age you may think you did. So overdo it. Overdo it all. Take her nosy, over-mothering self not for granted. She cherishes you. She loves you. She may never say it to you but know she treasures you. She's proud of you. She lives and works for you. Don't take that for granted. Take her out and pay for her a few times. Put yourself in her shoes and think of all the hard work she put herself through in order for you to live the life you are living. So, make sure to spend a lot of time with her. You want to spend your life your way and that is fine, but force her to come out and do more things with you. Challenge yourself and your mom  to walk more, to drink more water, to eat healthier, to explore more. Together. There will be a time when she needs you to lead the way. Be a role model. She will be against change, she will be against most of what I just said you needed to do with her and she will frown and say she doesn't feel like it or doesn't want to do it or cannot afford it. Come up with an idea to make it happen. You have lots of ideas. Make it happen, Selma. Don't wait and say "one day" or "soon". Do it now!! Do it!!

You will study. You will try really hard. You will succeed. You will have some obstacles especially when it comes to money. Do not give up. Help with present itself. It will happen. You will get the support, don't worry about it. Don't frown so much, your wrinkles on your forehead will not be fun to treat so stop worrying too much. Your studies will pay off. 

Life will not be always happy. At 25 you will not be married. You will have to move back home. It will be fine. You two won't be too lonely and despite what others think or believe, you are doing well staying at home with mom because it gives you both time to spend together. 

There will be times when you feel lonely because your friends live their lives and look successful when you do not. Don't frown, it's okay. Your time will come, just later in life. You will meet your prince at the most impossible time and it will feel amazing. He will amaze you. He will shock you. He will become your best friend. You will marry this great blond guy. He will be a lot younger and yes, it will feel weird at first but no one in the end cares. You will complete each other and he will make you a very happy girl. Make sure you introduce him to mom properly. Do not wait too long. Tell her. Don't be scared. Just tell her. It will be alright. Tell her also that she will not be replaced and that she is missed. She will think you are replacing her. It is crucial to tell her that she is wrong with her assumption.

Now about the main reason I am writing this to you:

About nine months into your marriage you will learn that your mom is sick and in the hospital. You will think it will all be good. Everyone will think that way. Unfortunately, fate wants you to experience hardship. You will have the opportunity to spend three days with her and show her that you care and love her. Yet, mom will die too soon and too fast as a result of too many years popping too many pills. It will not be her fault. It will not be your fault. Do not feel guilty. You will feel guilty but stop it right there and then. You will feel weak, stupid, and just not right. You will hate yourself for not leaving earlier and spending more time with her. You have to remember that you were not allowed to travel for a while and even if you were able to spend more time with her, ask yourself the question whether or not it would have changed the outcome?! I can tell you NO.
You will not be alone after this. People will help you out. Friends and family will come and help you clean, donate, organize, support, hug, and joke with you. You will feel like shit, and you will feel very empty. You will feel a lot of emotions and it will hurt. You will get through this. The pain will linger longer than you want it to but again, it's okay. The pain will feel like a heart attack and it will bother you for months but it will be alright. Don't worry. Your heartache will be very strong. Your lungs, your shoulders and your stomach will hurt. Don't worry, and don't panic. You will spend three long months back home going through all kinds of emotions, seeing friends and family and you will return home to your new life. You will seek the help you need, and the plans you had will be postponed. You don't have to work right away. You will be crying a lot and this will be okay. Cry. Scream. Cry some more. 

Remember, you are only human. Life continues. Your heartache will leave you day by day. You will miss mom, and you will move on. You will even adopt two adorable kittens and they will bring so much joy into your life you didn't know was possible during such a hard time. Just sit down, think, and remember all the good times. Remember the trips you took with mom, the stories and inside jokes you had, the laughing-till-you-cry-and-almost-pee-yourself laughter, the food you both loved, the inspirations, the conversations...hold on to those memories. Hold on to them.

I know this wasn't easy to learn. I know it wasn't fair to tell you this. However, remember, life is like that. It can be unfair. Yet, try to learn more, explore more and live more. Go out more. Eat out more. Don't give up. Smile even when you don't feel like it. Don't ever second guess your decisions, moves and choices. You will not be alone and it will all be okay.  Trust me!

If you are crying reading this...you are welcome. You need to let your emotions embrace you. Cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream...let them embrace you but not stop you. You are a beautiful girl, you will be a beautiful woman, full of strength, determination, power, and love.

Now go out, explore, smile, and most importantly, hug your mom and tell her you love her!!

Your older {not so insecure} self

1 comment :

The Flynnigans said...

This is beautiful my dear <3 I learned something new about you - I had no idea you were only married recently. And a younger man - you go girl! ;-) So long as you're happy, who gives a fk about age, it means nothing.
Sending lots of hugs and I hope you're snugglin with your kitties xoxox


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