October 28, 2009

Learn. Accept. Run. Heal.

So, I went to my doctor today. I needed to know what was wrong with me. Some of you (thank you for your input by the way) asked/wondered/suggested if vertigo was a possible thing I might have, low blood pressure, not enough iron, etc etc etc. I was so sure I had low blood iron and needed infusions again (so yes, not my first time...and yes, only infusions worked on me).

You got to be kidding me?!!! That's what I told my doctor. She was laughing.  
This isn't funny. I feel like total crap, can't move fast, can't look up or down, feel dizzy like never before, am dizzy now while sitting on this chair, could fall asleep at any given moment and you tell me that nothing is wrong?!??!! 
Blood pressure (perfect), blood level (perfect), iron level (perfect), any other things they tested because I made them (perfect).
So what could be the problem??!!!

My doctor is a very nice person. She's a doctor and well, I don't like doctors. My family's full of doctors and even though it's family, I still don't like doctors. Then again, I learned that even though you want a doctor to tell you what's wrong with you, you still have to remember that they are humans. They can't know everything and sometimes they simply can't help you. My nice doctor couldn't help me. I still don't like doctors. Now even more. On the outside I was the tough girl but in the inside I was crying - real hard.

She gave me tips on how to change some things like how I start my day, or what I should be doing more or less and all. She also told me to stick to some sort of diary and keep track of when I feel the way I feel and if it is worse when the so-called "ugly weather period" (her words) occurred in this area. Well, you have to know that this city is sort of located in a valley where strong winds come from the south (Italy) and other strong winds come from the north (Germany) and when they collide they do that right here! I never had problems with those winds (some people do get headaches, even migraines caused by this wind phenomenon); I actually love them (I even love the Santa Ana's and I miss having messy hair!!) but apparently these winds (sometimes felt, sometimes not felt at all) are different. And, well, my doctor suggested to keep track of everything and how my dizziness is associated with the winds, or not or whatever. Just great. Just to make sure (sort of) that my "problem" is caused by the winds. Yes, right!!! And where were those so-called problems when I was younger, or last year?!!!
She also mentioned that it is likely that (and this is somewhat funny) my problem could be also caused by living in this area, trapped in the middle of nowhere and far away from real air. A couple of years ago, during winter (and after I had moved back to Europe), I got sick. I had a terrible cough, which in my eyes was just a regular cough up until it just didn't want to go away and even got worse. I couldn't sleep, eat, drink, do anything or walk anymore. I couldn't breathe normally anymore either and no medicine whatsoever seemed to help. My body rejected everything. I stayed home, puked my guts out (even though there was nothing in there...just to give you a "sort of" visuable), cried constantly because my whole body ached and I simply couldn't stop the cough, and the accumulated pain to stop. The maximum I slept in a week was maybe three hours. Did I mention that it was in a week!???!!!! There were moments I literally (and I am not joking) wanted to die. I thought it was easier. I couldn't do it anymore. Normally, coughs are gone within a week, maybe two. In my case it felt as if it would never go away. It got worse each day and it scared me. Back then the whole staff at my doctor's knew me. I went in there pretty much every day, because whatever I was taking didn't work, and made me more sick. After almost three months I felt slowly better! I eventually received the hard stuff and it felt great. Having lung problems is just not funny. Ever since I still have to deal with occasional pain and each time I get flashbacks and all I want to do is cry. I don't but if you could see through me you'd see that I'm definitely crying in the inside. Just like today on this chair in front of my doctor. Either way, back then my doctor suggested to move. Not sure if I ever told that anyone. I might have mentioned my doc saying I should go to the mountains (the top part that is) or to the beach where the air is fresher and cleaner (no matter where on this planet). She said though I should move. And well, today, not having lung problems but weird vertigo kind problems (yes, I looked it up!) she mentioned this again. This is funny. Not really, but I do really want to move again. And now I need to move. Is this a sign?! Maybe. Maybe not. Now I'm confused!
I said Thank You and left her office, felt worse for about twenty minutes, went downstairs and spent 6 bucks on a Vanilla Latte at Starbucks. And yes, my lovelies...it is $6!!!! It's not a venti either, it was a tall one! The smallest size and it's that expensive. Thank you very much. I just needed something to cheer me up. No PSL available so I got my regular VL.
 It felt good. I was confused, shocked, happy, broke and drinking my VL, listening to four Americans chatting about their European trips (work wise though) and how wonderful it had been so far. Across from where I was sitting was a guy reading a book, and then I realized I had my own with me. So, what did I do?! Same thing, I started reading. I do have to admit the book is getting better...slowly but it is getting there. It distracted me a little until mom came in and asked me how my appointment went. I freaked out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. I still feel like crap, and my head is so heavy I think I'll skip Criminal Minds and go to bed now. It is 8pm.

Happy Wednesday!!!
I'm so going to rest tomorrow.

photo sources: www.weheartit.com


Annie said...

oh hun, sorry to hear that there is nothing the doctor could diagnose you with BUT you have to look at it as a positive thing! :)
i hope you can make some of the suggested changes from the doc and start feeling better ASAP!!
cheer up butter cup! thinking aboutcha!

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

It sorta sucks not knowing what's wrong. Though I have to look as you said at it as a positive thing. There are worse things out there, and my feeling sick and all isn't as horrible as others things. So I'm trying to cheer up!!!! :D

Erin Helgerson said...

I'm so sorry you're dizzy! My mom has a condition called Meniere's disease, and basically , she gets dizzy all the time. You go see an ear, nose and throat doctor for that, maybe you should see someone more specialized?
Anyways, hope you feel better, sweetie!


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