What the Hell!!!

As for today, I decided to link up with the awesome and fun Christianna over at The Girl with the Blue Bow and her weekly link up What The Hell Wednesday!

My What the Hell moments today, heck this week, are very simply, very short, but really to me, all WHAT THE HELL-moments...

...so, well, mom called me today telling me she wants to be on Facebook.
Now don't get me wrong, I think she's got a point there. She gets to see my pretty face, or the pretty faces of the dogs, and where I am...she also gets to see my friends and all. Sure, why not. I suck at emailing and sending her pictures. And when I do she tells me they are all crooked or upside down. Hmmm....I blame it on her email provider because when I send it to anyone else no one seems to have a problem, and having used the internet for so long I should know how it all works.
So yeah, she literally begged me to make her a page or something. I just don't know if she'd enjoy it!! Hmmm....any thoughts on that?!

I also had a test today, and well, we normally have a lecture after that, but nope...today my professor decided it was time to let us go early. I loved it, I just wished I had known otherwise I wouldn't have dragged all my stuff with me. Plus, I hate running towards the bus station...I just hate it. So while she slowly announced that it was time to leave the class room, I ran out...because I had less than 4 minutes for me to get to the bus stop. Thanks. But hey, I made it! *including a 100% on that test - just got the results sent to me* Wooohoo!

Today's "what the heck moment" is...that time goes by way too fast.
It's a silly saying and I can't stand it that much, but heck it is true!!

Today, it's been a year that we lost someone in our family and it's weird to think of it. One full year. WOW. 

Time is a bitch...that's all I'm saying. ;)

So, what the hell?!
Really!!

Let's have a party, smile, dance, sing, laugh, whatever...life's awesome, life's fabulous...even when it's the shittiest days when everything hurts and nothing seems to go right.

And if you still don't think so, please read HER blog...if you haven't, start from like 2010 on.

Life's a bitch, time's a bitch...so enjoy every second you got!

Every single darn second!

NOW!

Really, what the hell are we all complaining about?!

Crazy Weekend!

*be forewarned...it's one of those posts again that just needed to be shared. The written kind!

So my lovelies...
I had an interesting weekend.
Literally.

The quote above applies to all of us, you, me, your neighbor, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, dad, sister, friend, brother, cousin, classmate, and even the horrible teacher you dread seeing. It works for all of us. Reading it over and over again it makes me sad, and question where we are all from. I mean, who do you think I am?! Where I come from? Not the country, or the city, or religion. Put all that aside and focus on me, as a person. A girl. Or heck, a woman who looks like a girl. Think about it. Do you really know me? Do we really know you?

Unless we are related or have been friends for a while...we probably have assumptions but don't necessarily know anything about the other person. I am not saying we should now all open up, but we should think first before we act, say, and just handle things. I'm sure most of us do that already. 

This weekend has proven to me that love has all kinds of different forms. And apparently this weekend it was the nasty kind. It not only shocked me, but worried me mostly. How can love turn its back and become so evil, gross, unfair, and rough? Don't get me wrong now. No physical abuse or anything in that matter happened. BUT, even words can be hurtful (sometimes more than anything else) and I felt useless, sad, alone, and just very much filled with question marks. 

I enjoyed my freedom, and my PJ days/hours, and waking up with a dog facing me...I even enjoyed little things like a dog trying to lick me and really getting into this "I need to lick Selma's face now" - phase...but he failed. :) It made me smile though. I'm telling you little things are the best!!!

But at the same time, I had nightmares, and wondered why people go through what they go through. Yes. And the quote above says...we all have stories to tell (or not), and those stories have shaped us and are shaping us throughout our lives...but is it really worth reliving stories again? Not to me.

Then, Amazon (ThankYouVeryMuch) finally sent me the book I needed for my dreaded speech class. If I haven't mentioned it, I LOVE my speech class (more on that later on another post!). So the first two chapters that are due tomorrow night (and yes, I read them already!) are about communication, life, and listening skills. I read those chapters so quickly because I just couldn't stop. I thought that book was talking to me, explaining why certain things happen and why Saturday night was one awful night for all of us to witness. I wanted to read it out loud and let everyone hear it because truly, I felt the book talked to me. No epiphany though occurred so I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life (hello crazy little world of mine get your s*hit together!!), but still...the book has opened eyes, ears and heart for me!

I love books like this one!

And today, for pretty much the first time in my entire time here in California I have to admit that I am missing Europe! Maybe the little incident on Saturday triggered this feeling, maybe not. Maybe it's reading/following so many of you out there that live in Europe, or are about to move there. Either way I miss Europe today! A lot!!

Or, it's the gloomy day we are experiencing!

But good news is...in approximately four months I'm flying back to Europe!!
Can I get a YAY or a high five, or anything else that might make me even more excited about this than I already am?! Yes?! Please!!!

Ciao!!!

Exhausted

Sorry guys, I am be very MIA this week.

Too much is going on, too much is bothering me, and I am about to have a mental breakdown.

This will is a crazy one...but I promise I'll be back soon...I hope.

xoxo,

Selma

A little surprised and upset

If you read my tweets on Sunday (just a few I have to say) you may have read "I love the Internet very very much...", and things like "don't take it for granted" etc. It has arrived. The time that will change some things, for most of my friends and family, heck, even for me. I'm talking about censorship and its ridiculousness. There, I said it. For most of you, the Internet is your work place, a place to meet long lost friends and stay in contact with everyone and everything, read the news, play games, watch missed episodes, inform yourself, get help, and express yourself through blogs and similar ways. Really, it is a source for everything. 

I appreciate the Internet. A lot. Now, more than before. Although I cannot watch or see everything you guys in the US or UK can (yes, believe it or not!!) I still do appreciate the fact that I can use Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, and type in search words just as I please.
I also know that some of my readers and even your own readers out there have had problems in the past to access the Internet properly, to read everything, or to even use it. We all also know what a certain large country did and banned, it was all over the news. You would think we live in the 18th century again, where everything you do and think and believe in is questioned and you cannot use your modern thinking for your own future. Does this make sense? Maybe. Maybe not. 

Don't touch my Internet!

via this article

So, imagine me reading for weeks now that a certain quite modern country (more modern at times than my current one - yes, there I said it, too!!) has decided (ok, not the country but unfortunately those "in charge" of it) to censor the Internet starting in August. They already started, that is for sure. And although I do understand some points I don't understand why a country apparently so open and so in need to become something big and something European wants to go that way. Its people rely on the news, on the possibilities to express themselves, to learn more, to live more, and to stay in contact with everyone and everything. 

Do I only surf websites that only come from Switzerland (where I live at the moment if you haven't noticed! - Haha!) ?! Hardly. I would be stuck in a lifeless world with some info but just not enough. Yes, I do read those sites but for like ten minutes and then I'm going full force: starting here in mainland Europe, then up to the UK and then over the US. I try to read it all or at least get an idea of what is going on around the world. My favorite online newspapers are all bookmarked and I love it. Thanks to Twitter I even get more up-to-date info. Amazing!
When I need a recipe I just type something in and see what happens. When I want to drool over amazing clothing I so want but won't get I go online and look for stuff. New book ideas are gained through the Internet as well, although I love going into a book store. Fun videos cheer me up. The Internet is my friend. Not my best but it is my friend. My real friends and I keep in touch like this, because they live far far away and I am stuck here. And then there is this wonderful community I call the blog world. I love that the Internet gives me a chance to express myself, read, learn, broaden my horizon, and still keep me sane enough to enjoy the real world, too.  

via

Though what I read, and must hear from friends is not funny anymore.
I have encountered those bans years ago. I was a bit shocked at first and thought the Internet went down but then I read the small prints and wow, I was not only shocked but angry. Then I learned more, and stumbled upon so many other things that are not working in the so-called Internet world. So hearing this news is not surprising to me, although still shocking and upsetting. Just knowing it is possible, and it will indeed happen (unless some miracle appears in the middle of right now and August) and destroy quite some people and their lives. Not saying people depend on the Internet, but it is a source we grew to love (or hate), and one that just belongs our generation and the next.

More info on what I'm talking about this here and here and here or here or even here.

There is more but I don't want to bore you!

Sunday afternoon was a big day for all Internet people.

You may not be affected by this but think about how lucky you are for not having to deal with this, at least not now, and hopefully ever. Remember how irritated you were that blogger didn't work for a short while? Imagine you cannot blog at all anymore? Anywhere. Or keep your friends posted on your life with new and normal pictures of you. Just imagine. Just be happy!

via

I know this was a different post.
Sometimes different posts are needed.

Have a happy Internet day!

xoxo,

♥ S ♥

Tweet

Hmmmm....

...today I feel weird.
I don't know exactly what it is but life around me feels weird.
Don't worry I'm doing perfectly fine. At least I think so. I just woke up with a funny feeling, a weird deja-vu dream still on my mind, and just well, a really funny feeling. I cannot even describe it.

Nonetheless I managed to work out (wohooo!!), read some more (a book I accidentally thought I already read - whoops), went grocery shopping in two different suburbs, and well...managed to go online. While doing all of this today...I saw signs. Months ago I once mentioned that I believe in signs...I just do. Sometimes they mean nothing to me, sometimes they have so much to tell. Today I saw signs...I felt signs...but my dream was the biggest of all. And then I go online and see things that just remind me that I am a true believer...and once you believe you should fully follow your feelings, and your beliefs. At least I think so.

Source: sweetandlovelythings.tumblr.com via Selma on Pinterest

Yes, I'm going to chase them.
Thank you very much for reminding me.

But for now, I'd like to go back to sleep and dream about one of my favorite places.
I am sure some of you recognize this place, others may have an idea where it is, and again others may just not know where this favorite place of mine is. Just think of a place that makes you feel at home, at ease with yourself and the world, just relaxed, worriless, and simply happy. A place you go back to just to sit in a cafe and sip on coffee or a tea, read a book and watch people. A place you would drive to just for the sake of being there...because it makes you feel perfect. My favorite place does this to me. My favorite place works wonders, and gives me peace.

Source: robertandkristin.com via Selma on Pinterest

Sounds incredibly corny but it's what it is.
And yes, part of my dream is about my favorite place too.

Either way, I also believe that my funny feeling has a lot to do with my cousin's passing a month ago. Not exactly to the date, but it's been four weeks. How crazy is that. I am at peace with that. Nothing can be undone, so yes I am okay with that. I am just not okay with the fact that time passes by so quickly...

...in less than two months I'll be a year older and this, my lovely readers, scares the .... out of me!!!! I love my age (and that means a lot to me, trust me!) but I always saw me doing something very different at this age and now I am where I saw me years ago and it's nothing like that. It's neither better or worse, it's just not that. I'm sure that weird feeling I had this morning has also something to do with that. Oh well, what can I say? My little world is going crazy today...

...hope you are having a fabulous Tuesday!!!

About two and a half weeks more and the annual bunny day welcomes us again!
Yes, I love Easter, too...just not as much as Christmas and Halloween!

xoxo,

♥ S ♥

What Should I Say?!

I am kind of speechless.
Can someone please explain this picture to me?!
Is this paint on the dog? Or is this a very special breed? Or, am I hallucinating? Do I have to google more?!
Help on a Friday evening is needed. Desperately.

via

I read it was in Kabul, Afghanistan.
Still, what is up with that cutie pie of a dog?! Hmmmm....

Glad you liked the pink pictures yesterday. Brings spring closer, no?!
We all need that, at least us, freezing off our butts in the middle of February.
Can you believe March is almost around the corner?! Freaky!!!

Happy Friday everyone.

xoxo,

♥ S ♥

Monday Randomness

 tumblr

Monday just barely started for most of you and for me it's almost over...okay, not really. But it could be. Ha!

This past weekend wasn't as eventful as I hoped it to be. Most of the time I spent it in bed, slept, dreamed, slept some more, tweeted sometimes, watched some shows online, read, slept more and more, and today I can say I'm feeling a lot better. I bet it was one of those weekend flu moments or something. Either way, no fever, no runny nose, no headache anymore. Just my lungs that still bother me. I blame it on the fog. :(

My Monday started with a huge workout (dang I feel sore now!), household chores (lots of them - good exercise too btw!!), a hot shower, some awesome body lotion that slowly makes me look like I'm actually having a tan again, two cups of coffee (thanks to my machine), a walk, and some grocery shopping. Though, while I was walking and waiting for the bus with 24 rolls of toilet paper I got weird looks. This never happened. This got me thinking though; don't people use toilet paper around here anymore? I mean why would you give me nasty looks?! Instead of 16 bucks I only spent 10 on them because it's one of those nice days I got a discounted deal on them. Either way I didn't get the reaction. Or, people have never ever seen toilet paper before?! I really wondered. Made me smile though, imagine them using their hands or whatever else available and that made me smile even more. It may have come out to a mean giggle or grin but I was feeling somewhat content.

Oh, and I went into Starbucks today and left again...didn't buy a thing. No muffin, lemon loaf, coffee...nothing. Wasn't easy but so worth it. The winter edition starts in two days, so I'm definitely going to be back there but I have to stop myself. I need to lose some pounds so I can wear my bikini or so next month!!! And with daily temptations this is not going to happen. Grrrr...so glad I'm going out for some bubbly in a few hours from now...this is so gonna help. Not! ;)

Happy Monday.

xoxo,

♥ Selma ♥

Controversial and Sorry

Tuesday, all sunny and I'm literally stuck at home. Then again I feel like the laziest person ever...I should definitely work on this and get my butt moving!!! I blame it on my forgetting to set the alarm and waking up at 11! Whoopsy!!

And I just found this picture...I just love fall...when it looks like this!!! 

 tumblr

On another note:

Controversial topics are my favorites.
There, I said it. Ok, I wrote it.
Why?
It makes a conversation less boring and keeps it going...practically, there's no end to any controversial issue. Love it. So much fun. SO much pain, too. ;)

Reason why I'm quickly mentioning this is just one thing...in my city, there's this three-day thing going where people hand out condoms. Yes, you read right. To top it all, the guy that is in charge of this and also hands out those condoms is someone representing the Catholic church, and we all know (and if not now you do) the Catholic church is against condoms. That's the simple and easy way to say this. Whether or not you agree, or whether or not I agree (again, not going into topics like this because my blog's more about random stuff than political, religious and what not stuff) I think this is funny. People wrote posts and articles about this, called the the police, called the church, called whoever may help them get rid of this guy and his people. What amazes and amuses me is that the guy handing out condoms is representing the church. So, get over it! And, main reason he is doing this is... safe sex, and mainly Aids. So my question to this now is?! Who's at fault here? Is he doing a right thing or a wrong thing?!
My opinion? He's absolutely right to do this. He doesn't do it to upset anyone, he does it to make people, especially young teenagers and also adults, remember and aware of that this is an issue we should never forget and ignore. It's also something we should talk about, freely. We shouldn't be ashamed of it either. People easily forget. People easily ignore. And this topic is important. Very important. It takes just one person to forget and ignore and then have thousands infected. It takes one to laugh at it and have hundreds infected. Just one. And one is one too many. 

Having grown up in a so-called free world of belief (long very twisted story, and so very my family and environment) I believe that people shouldn't point their fingers and stick to what the church says because the church is not always right. To add some spice to it...haha...usually, the church is wrong. Especially this one. I'm disgusted at times. But that's another story I won't get into (and unfortunately or maybe fortunately I officially grew up Catholic!). I should but will keep my mouth shut. For now that is. Those that do believe in whatever the church tells us to do and all...so be it, but think twice before you call the police on a guy that simply hands out condoms to young people to make sure they use it and remember that just one mistake can lead them and others to an illness we are all aware of but tend to ignore. Or, does the church say "go out, have sex, get sick, and spread it so we all die soon!!??" Sorry, but I had to say it!

Ok, I'm feeling better now!

Sorry if this was a post that upset you or made you angry.

Don't hate me for what I wrote. Please don't.

It's me and my thoughts. And well, I needed to write it out.
Again, I quote myself over and over again, but writing does help and in this case it did its job quite well. 

On a much happier note...I'm practically done with Christmas shopping, am wrapping up gifts, and will have them sent out by mid November I think. Not earlier otherwise it may just be a Thanksgiving gift rather than  a Christmas gift. And well, today for the first time in weeks I felt okay with who I am. Sounds good, huh? I'm okay with the fact that my life's a total disaster right now. :) But I'm also determined to fix this and that soon!!! In one month things may already be changing for me. Wow!!!

Have a fantastic day.

I promise a cute post some time soon... after all, my favorite day will be this Sunday!!! :)

♥ Selma ♥

Fall

 we ♥ it

The new season definitely started. Fall got this beauty to it I can't even put into words. Its obvious cold winds, and foggy mornings are as beautiful as its sunny and warm afternoons. When it rains it's just pure ugly. We can't change the rain but we can change our attitude towards the nicer, warmer, and sunnier weather we're having right about now. New fall shoes that can only be worn when it's dry outside do the trick, too. I have to admit though that walking to work in the morning and seeing my breath already shocked me. To me this shouldn't happen at all up until maybe November. It happened last week though. Let's hope next week won't be as cold. It's that time of year again when you're not sure what to wear and how much to wear. In the morning it's so cold you want to bundle up. And in the afternoon after work it's warm and sunny (and almost hot in the sun!) and your jacket and shoes make it all so very uncomfortable. So, what do you do?! Yes, you try hard to still bundle up in the morning with a thick scarf, a thinner jacket and cute shoes...maybe freeze a little while walking to work, but then in the afternoon you know why you went through all of this. It feels a lot better not to carry your jacket now, or to have a second pair of shoes with you. Trust me, I've been carrying a lot around lately as if I went shopping every day. Too bad I didn't. ;)

If you were wondering why I walk to work...I'm a green girl. :) I love to walk. I don't have my driver's license anymore therefore I don't drive. Over here I have driven a car once or twice but it never really made sense. Besides, streets are way too narrow over here - even after these few years being back I get a bit claustrophobic when it comes to these streets and highways. Way too narrow for my taste! *yes, I'm the eight-lane-freeway girl* Going back to my walking...I never had a car here and if I stay here I think I won't ever get close to getting one. Public transportation is incredibly good and well-organized so there is no need for an extra vehicle. Besides, I save a ton of money on gas, insurance, maintenance, you name it. So, I'm kinda glad I decided to do this. Plus yes, if you haven't noticed I care a lot about the environment. I hardly (or ever) talk about it but I simply car. I reuse, recycle (and that can be a whole other story), safe energy, water, and do a lot more to protect this beautiful planet. I'm sure not even my mom or friends are aware of how much I do. I never felt to write about it, and even now I don't feel like doing so but thought I'd mention it slightly.  

And yes, let me walk to work again today...and then read a book during my 30-minute break. Yes, I get a break. It's all new. The downside to it though is that this specific break starts an hour after my arrival. Whoever came up with this ridiculous idea is a total moron. Sorry but true. Then again, what do I care?! Only one more month and I am free (and I will be incredibly relieved, sad, and terrified at once!). So, let me grab my book and head onto work. :)

Happy Sunday everyone.

♥ Selma ♥

P.s. I'm so glad my internet is working again. Not sure what the deal was...but I'm back. And yes, I'm kinda addicted to twitter now. Whoops! But I had to share my mom wanting to go to NYC. How amazing is this?!

It's Your Turn To Pee Now

Yes, you read right.

I don't know where to begin. I don't think there's a way to start this entry properly. It's just weird. It's just outrageously ridiculous. I won't get into details, because I believe details won't make it better (or worse for that matter). Details just make this matter resurface again, and it's not what I want. It's not what anyone wants. So to elaborate on my title today...yes, the time arrived now. We're officially *almost* told when the time's right to use the bathroom! Welcome to my world.

 via

It's so time for me to change things.
And one thing is sure I'm going to the bathroom when I need to go and not when I'm told to.

Hope your day is fabulous.

I'm heading to bed now...so need to rest my mind.

xoxo,
♥ Selma ♥

Tuesday Thought

via

Obviously today was a very bad day.

Never mind busy moments, lots of questions and phone calls and tons of thinking and organizing...but once I'm yelled at for the good *and may I call it slightly perfect* job I'm doing I can and will not accept this. And then it hit me. Just two more months are ahead of me and I am done. It's a scary thought, but just writing it down makes it sooooo possible and so just around the corner. 

For the past seven days I've learned that there are people out there truly appreciating my work and what I do to make them happy and all. It's the small things that count. It's a smile, or just a hello, or just the fact that I will cancel a doctor's appointment for a very special (I try to avoid important) person. I'm going to do this tomorrow on my day off. Yes, even then. But I've learned that there are indeed people out there knowing how hard I work and how much effort I put in every single action over a break-less 9-hour shift. Yesterday was one of the best days. I made lots of people happy. I make lots of people happy every day. It's part of my job. It's what I went to school for, and even though I get paid squat for all the effort and magic I bring into this place I also learned that some people just don't see it and love to yell at me. I believe, and yes this may sound conceited, that I am the one holding this place together. Trust me. I never talk like this but in this case, I believe so. My patience is gone and well, the appreciation I received over the past few days was awesome...all the negativity not so much...I cried, had to ditch a friend's spontaneous call/coffee stop/whatever, cried some more, talked to my mom about this, and honestly told her that I just know that this place won't survive with its current attitude coming all the way from above. Sad but true.

It's time to let go and start fresh. Where? How? No clue.
If I'm being yelled at for no real reason, not even knowing how much positivity I give and how much I have to work in order to keep it all in and make everyone happy, I don't see a point in continuing. At all. It ruins me.

So, can't and won't write more.
I'm too exhausted and need to rest.
I'm very sad, and very disappointed in everything right now.

Don't know how to proceed tomorrow but it's all going to be okay. It just has to.

via

Ha!
Easier said than done.



♥ Selma ♥

Don't steal it, it's mine!!!

Okay...you maybe have read that I wrote on Twitter "someone stole my washing machine"...and well, technically it's not true. No one stole it, but then again I can't use it because someone else is using it, and it bugs me. I signed up for my two days (Tuesday and Wednesday) which is today and tomorrow and I want to use it now. Yes, I can do laundry pretty much at any given day/time, but I specifically signed up for these two days to use that particular machine so I expect to be able to do so. I didn't expect the door to be shut, no key available and someone else using it. There's no other name on it, no note...just MY NAME on it because I wrote that one down on Jan. 2 (!!!), and it means it's mine!!!! So don't steal my time and my machine!!!!! I was so pissed I went downstairs and put a post-it note on the door saying "return that key and put it up where it belongs, it is past your allowed laundry time". Not sure if it worked. I'm way too chicken to go down and check.

Well, the thing is...there are four machines available. All four have weekly schedule papers or whatever and we all can sign up for one particular machine. Two machines are available every single day (per person and per day up to max. four hours in a row is allowed), the other two machines are available every single day too but for the big stuff...like towels, jeans, bed sheets, stuff like that, and each machine is available for two days in a row. Since we don't have dryers here (one thing I so miss about my life in the US - bless my aunt and her super fast and super cool dryer...my new best friend since last year), we air dry all our clothes. Keeps them longer in shape and color and all that, but it takes time. So, for the big laundry pile we sign up in one of those other machines so we can let our clothes/things/towels/whatever hang for two days or just make laundry like crazy. Love that. Not today. I was supposed to get the key yesterday evening (drop off is always at 7pm) but I was so sleepy I didn't check. Technically it is my day today and tomorrow so the key should have been there. This morning...no key, right after work...still no key...but I heard the machine work. What the fh?!!!!!

 

What bothers me the most is that this has to happen today!!

I haven't done laundry in a while and I'm in need for some clean and fresh stuff...well, winter stuff. My closet is packed but there's nothing to wear anymore. Typical. I need to dress up for work, but I prefer casual clothing. So, my closet is sort of divided into three categories..."for work", "not for work", "home/lounge clothes". The first two are sort of now in need of detergent and fresh water...and I want to do it NOW.

What bothers me though is that today was just one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. Everything pisses me off and when I'm pissed I am really aggravated and that means I'm charged big time and can get really really really super sweet nice innocent honest crazy horrible sarcastic real rude mean direct..., well maybe a bit sarcastic. Not to the extreme but when I'm pissed I am pissed and I'm gonna let ya know. So, be aware whoever you are who stole my time and my machine...when I do find you (and trust me I will) you will get taught by my specific method how to use a machine and its allowed time and how to use a pencil and the sheet with all those empty (or not) days...I will also teach you how to spell your name and write it neatly on that paper because we all know I can and will do that! Just be aware...the minute I spot you you will hear me out, and you will remember my name and my voice...I do not care why you chose to do so and I am not pissed at the fact that I can't do laundry (I do love doing laundry but today I don't feel like it) but it is my time, and when it's my time I want it to be mine and not yours!!! Stay in line, do what we all do and write your freakin' name on that piece of paper and then wait till it's your turn!!!!

And that my lovelies...was the nice version. 

Today is one of those days you don't want to mess with me.

I'm a super nice girl. I tolerate a lot of things, but doing things behind my back is one thing I cannot and will never ever tolerate. This happened to me twice - today. And then the machine story?!!!
Yes, I am mad...super mad.
At work, I found out my stupid co-worker deleted one of my files. Actually it was our trainee's file she needed to finish. SO yes, she wasn't finished with her work there, and we both were supposed to finish it today. Together. I never let her do it alone, so I could help her out and all. And on Saturday, that stupid co-worker saw that we both were working on it and she heard that I told our trainee that we both will be working on it again on Tuesday (well today) and finish it up. She heard it. What did she do?! Delete the whole thing. We worked hard on it, and now it is gone!!!!!
If you haven't read from maybe June of last year...you may not know that...but I adore my co-worker so much. Ok, that's a lie. I can't stand her. She can't stand me either. It's a hate-hate relationship...who am I kidding...it's a hate-hate situation!!!! But why the freakin' hell did she decide to delete it?! A nice co-worker of mine told me she overheard her mumble something like "this file bothers me". Now I wonder what bothered her. The titles for our trainee's school binders or what?! Yes, that simple. And a letter she needed to write, too. A letter to her school director...neatly and nicely written...a couple of pages long. Hello?! What the hell bothers her? She didn't write it (Thank goodness she didn't, otherwise it would have been flawed), she doesn't need to use it and it so doesn't take up space on our computers!!!!!! Worst of all...this little file bothers her? She's got her own HUGE file with private pictures in it and THAT doesn't bother anyone (ok, it does bother me, but who am I deleting it?!...on second thought I should delete her file after all...it does bother me...).

So, I started Tuesday quite mad at the fact that I didn't see a key at 6.10 am (right before I left for work), and mad at the fact that my trainee told me she didn't finish her papers on Saturday, saved it and told our stupid co-worker that we'd finish everything up today...and I find out the file's gone! Foreva!!!!
Two things...oh no wait...there's a third one.

Two machines at work needed to be checked today. Routine work. Done maybe twice or so a year. I was notified yesterday that they'd come in today. Time didn't work for us so the nice lady there and I both agreed on 1 pm and 2.30 pm. We called each other like three times. I told her specifically that it is impossible to come in the morning and she understood...and then called me to confirm the times again and additionally told me that there was some sort of an emergency someplace else so 1 pm would be the earliest someone would get to our machines. Fine by me.
Yeah right...at 10 am one guy shows up. He just came it, passed by and didn't introduce himself to me. How the hell am I supposed to know who that guy is?! We have hundreds of people walking by. We are remodeling our place, too, and I simply cannot look up every time the door opens. PLUS, when you've got an appointment you ALWAYS check in first and sort of say "hi, I'm Mr/Mrs....I'm supposed to do this or that or whatever"...but not that guy. As furious as I already was...I kinda shocked that guy with my bluntness. He thought little me wasn't able to say those words and confront him about his rudeness and him being so unprofessional. Worst of all...our housekeeping manager saw him too and was quite shocked (timinig was so off for him) and he calmly said that I SAID IT WAS OKAY TO COME IN BY 10 (and get this) IF NOT EARLIER.    Excuse me?! Not with me dude! You might have heard me speak a different language the minute you walked in and literally sneaked in, but don't think I can't tell you how wrong you are. I think I gave him a heart attack. A quick one. After that, he tried to ignore me and basically tried not to face me but I made sure he would see me all the time. I'm that nice!

Gosh, was I pissed.
I still am.
I'm calming down though.

Today, I got my jeans back, and I finally bought my new sneakers. Sketchers of course. I love them. :)
Let's hope they love me too.
That's a happy note!
Woohoo!!!

I am so incredibly sorry this post ended up being this long...I never thought I had so much to say.
Then again I'm sure I could have shortened it a bit but my anger is just there and I needed to vent and now the steam is gone...I'm heading downstairs checking if my machine is available now.
I will never ever write this much again. Oh boy.
Your eyes must be sore now. Mine are!!
You might be mad at me.
Maybe disappointed. (hope not)
It was one of those days.
Then again, didn't we all once agree on the fact that our blogs are our blogs and we can say and write whatever we want to share and say and write?! So that's what I did. Enjoy it. Hate it. Or whatever.
I'm going to feel a lot better by tomorrow! :) Promised!

I'm done with today....
...may my awesome three days of NO WORK AT ALL...be more awesome than the last ones...with nothing but sleep, food, books, tv, and maybe some work-out thing in between....

...the angry one!

xoxo

Imagines via We ♥ It!

Hello Weekend! Finally.

Yes, it's here. My weekend. This week it starts today and lasts three days. Yay! Next week it starts one day earlier, on a Wednesday! Granted, I do have to work over the so-called real weekend but hey, I'm not really complaining anymore. I'm done with it. Complaining causes wrinkles, stomach problems, and all that crazy stuff and I don't want any of it. Not now, not ever.

Oh boy, this already sounds like one of my "summer misery" entries, and it sorta goes into that direction. But I will try not to go there and spare you the ugly details. The only thing I have to say is that I'm very disappointed in life right now, in my work field, in the job I'm currently holding, in my spare time, in my past, in my behavior (yes!), and in pretty much everything else coming towards me hitting me right in my precious face. Don't feel bad for me. Ok, please do. Seriously, yesterday I finally learned how much I'm actually getting paid for all the effort I'm putting into work. It was a real shocker. My heart still aches. I definitely woke up right there and then. I got to work at 6.30 in the morning, saw an envelope with my name on it, opened it and saw those horrible numbers. All I could think of was

WHAT?! AM I NOT IMPORTANT? DO THEY HATE ME? IS MY WORK IRRELEVANT? WHY IS NO ONE APPRECIATING ME? I CAN'T LIVE WITH THIS! WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY AM I HERE? CAN I GO HOME NOW?!

Let me quickly recap...I've worked there for some time, and my pay was  never great. I was okay with that. In this business it's always less than what others get on a regular basis. It's what it is. You work hard and get nothing in return. Though over time I got raises and it felt good because my work was recognized and appreciated and all. My pay wasn't as good as my friends'. Today, they should be super dooper proud of their pay because mine just sucks!!!! And, can I talk to my boss about it?! NOPE. Why?! He's on vacation right now, somewhere warm and cozy. He just left. Like yesterday morning, right before I even got a chance to read those shocking numbers. So, what am I gonna do?! 

I'm going to be a very good girl, working my poor ass off to help my co-workers (yes, I'm THAT nice). Ok, I won't be working hard. That's for sure. I will do whatever I have to do, be nice to everyone and everything, and just wait till my shift's over and my boss returns from his super vacay in southern America! Oh, have I mentioned he's gonna be back in one month?! YES, of course. What else!

via

Needless to say I'm pissed.
I'm so very disappointed. I get about $700 (!!!!) less than what I got last year. AND, this has nothing to do with the financial crisis we all might be in or having to deal with or whatever. Nothing!!! That much I know. My head can't stop thinking. It constantly rotates and I wonder how my other (not so nice) co-worker used to work with such a pay for almost 18 years?! If that's what she also got. I sort of got her work time now, which means I should be getting what she'd received for years. If she got more, and I will eventually find out (somehow, I haven't figured out yet how but I sure as hell will at some point), I will be more furious. There's no way she received this little and survived, and never complained. Or she's that dumb. Not sure. There's already steam all around me, coming out of me, so I can't promise to be nice any longer! I will look like this little chick here...

via

But, good thing is, I'm having three days off and can relax.
I'm gonna use tons of time to sit back, read, work out, listen to awesome music, and take relaxing baths. They might calm me down. Might. Oh, and I'm going on a shopping trip, too. Today. Not that I'm gonna buy anything special or exciting...I don't like shops here. They depress me. They're boring, and so expensive. I need fun stores. Those that make you smile when you're leaving them.

I didn't mean to write this much but I needed to blow off some steam.
So sorry everyone.
I feel a tiny bit better but life still sucks!!!
I'm gonna go shopping now. And tomorrow, I'm gonna hit the movies.  
Fun is needed!

xoxo

What Are You?!

An alien perhaps?!

You should have seen my eyes or face or body or even my mind when I was asked this very question.

What are you?!????

Is this now an easy way to offend me, or to make me feel worse or better or what?!
I mean, hello?! I didn't do anything. Okay, I talked/answered questions but that's not a crime. Last time I checked it was legal, and quite fun and something I consider a wonderful tool. But when I got asked what I was I was a bit taken aback. Not so sure how to answer that. I'm a girl. YES. I'm a bit of a mess when it comes to my life but I'm guessing this will change this year. No, I know it will change. It just has to. *welcome to my distracted mind*
Anyways...where was I? Yes, the question that shocked the living hell out of me.
I get asked quite weird questions but this really made me speechless. I knew why he (yes, he!) asked me this, but come on?! Would it be possible to use something nicer than WHAT?

A mixtures of three nationalities should have been my answer. It wasn't.
He answered for me.
A Yankee.
Right. His answer. Not mine.
And it's not the first time I'm literally reduced to one word.
And it's not even a cute word.
And it's not even true!!!
In your face!!!
*why am I using always three !!! instead of only one ! ??* / *concentrate, Selma, concentrate*

Then his face got red.
Thank you.
And then more questions were formed and I decided to make some stuff up to answer politely. But I should have just made up some fun story of how I have three parents or three pairs of parents and all that wonderful patchwork stuff, but I didn't. I'm not that quick when it comes to answer funny questions. Sometimes I am, but the WHAT sorta threw me off board and I got lost. Big time.

And for the record, no, I don't come from a patchwork family although you might think so. Just a little. Then again, it's more a mixture of lots of nationalities and cities and all. My family lives all over the world, my nickname is "the Cali-Girl" (which I think it's weird), I was born with a different nationality than I actually grew up with or in or whatever, and when my uncle asked me what place (now, what is so correct it's almost beautiful) I feel most comfortable with and feel as if I belong I only had one answer.I so know WHAT I am!

The older guy's face regained its normal color and he asked me the same question (felt like deja-vu, but he doesn't look anything like my uncle) with hopes of Europe being the great answer. I disappointed him. He didn't say it but I felt it. Just because he doesn't agree with me, doesn't mean I have to agree with him. Or does it?! I don't think so. So, he left (maybe a bit shocked) with a smile (at least) and said good-bye.

via We ♥ It!

A few minutes later a very cute couple arrived back from a very long stroll in the city, and both of them were covered in snow. YES, it's been snowing for hours and looks beyond amazing. I just realized I'm wearing the wrong shoes; since my regular winter shoes are sorta broken and need to get repaired...oh wait, I brought them in today, so I'm guessing I can pick them up tomorrow all ready for me to wear them again - yay!)...so where was I...yes, the couple and the snow...for both of them this is the first time seeing snow in their lives!!! Love it. They're from Australia. They love it here, especially now with all the snow. Great. I can't stand it here, especially with the snow. But, I do have to admit it looks gorgeous, and even though I always have my camera with me today is not an always-day because she's not in my purse and I feel lonely. :(
*so sorry no beautiful white snow pictures from me*
But before I get distracted again, for the millionth time, I better end the little story of the Australian couple...they loved the snow, so we started talking and voila...I was asked a very similar question and funny thing he answered it for me, too. *this time, WHAT was not in the question, and his answer was almost right* He loved it!!! Can you believe it?! YES, finally!! So I'm not a dork, with a weird knack for languages. Thank you. I am apparently blessed with a gift not so many can have and I should take advantage of this. Thank you. I love Australians!!! ;-)

So, to make this long entry end in hopefully a few more lines *yeah, right* I had an interesting Monday evening. Long, boring, with horribly annoying music playing, weird questions and reactions, epiphanies, and the urge to literally quit my job and enroll in classes. Any classes. And since I get wonderful short emails from my friend down in OC I think I should check schools out there, too. Huh?!

So much for Monday nights!!!
That's what it is; well was!

I wrote this last night at work, and for some reason forgot to hit publish. Oops.
So, here you go.

Happy Tuesday.
Hope you're going to have a fabulous day.

via We ♥ It!

xoxo

P.s. if this post doesn't really make sense to you, I'm sorry. It does to me. ;-) The reading in between lines kinda helps. ;-)

Oh holy Saturday...

...how I missed you. There's nothing holy about today except for the fact that I would like to laugh out loud and just use some unholy words from time to time. The time of my crazy work schedule has begun again and so far it's been okay and well, let me call it, bearable. I drink tons of tee, and water which keeps me stay hydrated for pretty much the entire day and alive and all...it keeps me sort of in the warmth of this building (even though, let me tell you briefly...a heater's right next to me and whenever the door opens I want to scream at the person opening it because the cold air coming in is very bad for my lungs and my well-being but oh well), and well, I get paid. I don't know how much yet. All I know it is definitely half of what the rest of my so-called friends here receive each month (and they complain they don't get enough! Ha!!), and double of what some of my friends receive in a month (ok, social work is hard and great but pay is bad; so I remember! If I'm wrong, correct me please).

So where was I?? Oh yeah, work...mine to be exact. The only thing that literally bothers me is my co-worker. No details necessary, way too depressing. Besides I've shared with you what I went through and what bothered me last summer and since the new year just started I want to be more positive and forget about all the bad things she did. Apparently, she thinks so, too. I know so, because the minute I arrived today she started talking to me, asked me if we wanted to go into our coffee/tea corner and chat. Come again? This person wants to chat? With me? WHY?!!!????  You may think, hey, it's good you two are getting along etc etc etc but let me tell you one thing about this manipulative person...she's evil and I'm sure by just playing nice she's got some plans somewhere to attack me again. I can feel it.No wait, I can see it in her eyes and her behavior. It's super scary to see her smile and talk nice and all that shit whereas we all know how cruel she's been over the past 432 years. Ok, exaggerated, but still...and I'm not the only one thinking that way.

So, anyhow...I started working again and got some culture work shock slapped right in my precious face (yeah, right) and now I'm just trying to chill and do whatever I need to be doing.
I need inspiration, but guess what...My google reader shows a number I'm too afraid to admit and it scares me...so I better work on that and read all your lovely stories. I'm sure I'll find inspiration somewhere in between your written lines or fun pictures!!!

Happy Saturday!

Me, without any pictures! :(

xoxo

Ugly Truth. Keep It To Yourself!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Time went by rather quickly and most of you are away back home with family and friends to celebrate a nice Thanksgiving weekend...a long one. Hope you are having a great day, a great rest of the week, and an even greater time wherever you are and whatever you are doing!!! :)

 click

Anyhow...I caught up on my blog reading and even though I simply couldn't answer all of your wonderful writings I just learned (again) that some of you had some ugly encounters with ugly comments (again). You aren't alone and you aren't the first ones and unfortunately also not the last ones.
So far I've been blessed enough receiving nice comments, supportive ones too and I love you all for that. Thanks a million. I just wonder WHY do  people even bother writing ugly stuff onto other people's blogs and literally tell them they suck and hate them?! I mean, why?! Are we in kindergarten? Apparently. 6th grade?! Maybe. I just think it's stupid and very very very immature. 

To me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here, blogs are like journals. Diaries. Maybe not so intimate diaries but you know what I mean. You want to share things with others, write down what's on your mind and just keep things on here so you can look back at pretty much everything at some time in the future. I think it's a great thing, and that is partly also why I started blogging. But that I won't discuss right now. Maybe some other time. So, blogs are here for everyone. Not everyone has the same taste, or style and therefore all of our blogs are unique and just represent ourselves. Right?! Hope so. So, whatever we have to say, or write about we just do it. Sometimes we may not, but this is totally up to the writer. Right?! Hope so. Well, last I checked my blog belongs to me, and I can and will write whatever I want to share and say. I'm not going to sugar code stuff (so far it has not come close to that...well...no), and I won't try to please you as my lovely readers. It is my blog and my thoughts, and my life so to speak. You do the same on yours. It's your blog after all. Right? Hope so.
Well, that is what I don't understand...why do other people, apparent writers as well, try to ruin the fun with ugly comments?! It's ok if you don't like what others have to say. You don't have to like everyone and everything. But do you have to point it out?! Leave the blog and find another one you like. Plus, the worst of all I think is when haters leave anonymous comments...pretty lame! So, even though your ugly comments aren't much wanted if you feel like sharing your ugliness and harsh words stand up for what you believe (or not) in. Be true to yourself and let others know who you are. Don't hide. We aren't. And if you think it's better to leave the name away...then please, just leave the blog, too and stop writing shitty stuff.

You may wonder...nothing has happened to her, so why does she bother with that topic?
Well, as I mentioned above blogs are like journals and I write whenever I feel like it. Like most of you. And I once wrote that writing helps. No matter when and how. So, I feel like writing. So much is going through my head right now I can't think straight. So, while catching up on blogs I came across some stories by my fellow blog friends and just thought it was worth writing about it. If you don't like it, it is okay. I don't blame you. It's rather silly I know (since it hasn't happened to me) but it's something that makes me think - a lot. And I feel like writing about it so let me, please. Thank you.
Now, if you take my sentence "writing helps, no matter where and how" then don't think you can harrass me with ugly comments. I meant and always mean that writing helps but on your own damn blog!!!! Not on mine, and not on anyone else's nice blog either. Stop it. Bother your own blog if you even have one and let us nice bloggers alone. It may not be worth even writing to you, talking about you, and you may not even read this but I don't care. It's what it is. My blog with my thoughts. Period!!!

So, with that said...I'm thankful for my own blog.
Its style changes a lot, depending on my mood, life issues and whereabouts...it's what it is. Crazy. Strange. Random. You name it. I'm also thankful to have found great people on here. I'm also thankful to have some sort of a shelter and don't have to sleep on the street (ok, drastic but it could be worse), I'm thankful for my friends whom I miss every day, but am also thankful for the very few friends I have where I am. In addition I'm also thankful for my laptop still running, my camera, my health (so far), my book collection (I know it's weird), my life so far with its constant downs and very few ups (but there's always a reason behind this), and I'm thankful for just being even able to be thankful. I'm even thankful for my daily coffee and the fact my favorite bakery here got rid of its fabulous donuts. They were awesome, just like DD's. Dunkin Donuts doesn't exist here so having had some other chance to get yummy sugery donuts was a blessing. They got rid of them about five months ago and shattered my world but today I'm thankful for exactly that act. Less calories for me. haha. I'm thankful for materialistic things (so lame, I know) and for all the other items, moments, things that have enhance my life so far. I never thought I'd be doing what I'm doing at my age, at this place, right now and I do want to change all that, but for right now...it's good the way it is. It could be worse. I coule be broke, incredibly sick, injured, or worse.
So I am thankful for being me, today and now; with everything that comes with it...

click

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Havea  great holiday!!!

xoxo

P.s. Oh boy this one ended up being longer than I wanted. :(

Quick update

So, here's what's been going on lately...

I have been busy at work even though it's all a lie.

I have been fighting my dizziness with more pilates, and longer hours of sleep.

I have cut down the amount of coffee I drink but can't make exceptions when it comes to GBL's.

I have come to terms with the fact that my life is messy and just unorganized. It's better that way.

All Christmas presents are sent out, the last ones today.
I spent a fortune on all of them, and ended up having a rude conversation with one of the women working at the post office. She wanted to tell me what I should or shouldn't send as gifts. I got pissed (already was due to her snippy tone and comment on how I signed and how I wrote 7), and so I asked her if those addresses mean anything to her whereas she looked at me quite surprised and said "I don't know these people, why? Should I know them?". Whereas I answered with "EXACTLY MY POINT...you don't know these girls but I do and that is why I CHOOSE what I get them for Christmas and not you. I'm paying all that, too, aren't I?!" Without further ado she gave in and let me sign, write 7 the way I've been doing it for over ten years, and pay the whole thing...I left the building still pissed but happy...finally the shopping and packing is done!!! I've had my share with rude and unfriendly people and have always ended up disgusted with all of them. I just can't stand rudeness. Yes, I may have been rude too but I simply can't play nice when I'm treated like shit. So, this again, proved that some Swiss people aren't as nice and just need to chill and learn how to smile. No wonder I feel I don't belong anymore. But yeah, I won't go there now.

My ear is bothering me. No, it doesn't hurt but I feel as if I'm hearing myself twice if not four times...it echoes (with or without an "e"?) in my ear like crazy.

Today is the fourth time people thought I was a tourist. Oh boy.

Three more days and I'm off work again. Not that I look forward to anything like that but I need to determine if whatever has been bothering me had anything to do with my temporary unemployment or not.

I think I know my plans for New Year's. Hope so. But I don't want to think about it now.

And the weirdest thing is happening...until NOW.
I hear songs that remind me of California. Southern or Northern, doesn't matter.
Wherever I go songs try to talk to me...
Yesterday I leave the house with my iPod on shuffle and the first song is by Phantom Planet "California". Thank you. Really. The next three songs are all songs I used to listen while sitting endless hours on Greyhound buses to San Francisco. I still wonder how I ever managed to do those trips...up and then down again, and up again and down again. Loved it though. :-) Then, while waiting in the movie theater at 2.15pm for the movie to begin with..."Have a Nice Day" by Stereophonics is on, and the next songs just make it better or should I say worse...Scott McKenzie and the famous song about the city by the bay, and Eagles with Hotel California...HELLO?! What is going on here?! I'm not joking. I thought someone played some really upsetting game with me, but no. All real, all very oh so normal. Quite scary.
And now, I had to turn off the radio at work...Stereophonics came on again, Phantom Planet too...what is up people?! Are you seriously trying to make me feel worse?!????
 
Tuesdays officially became my least favorite days.
Two more hours at work and I can go home...yeah!!!!! I so need to sleep and delete all my songs on iTunes. :(

Have a great day.

xoxo

Feel (Not So) Fine

Just when you think it's all good and all perfect it all turns out naturally imperfect!

I'm a bit disappointed. Not pissed but I wish I was. Ok, maybe I am.
I just found out that the planned dinner tomorrow (and by planned I mean we've had this planned for almost two months!) is sort of cancelled. Sort of meaning it still happens (thankgoodness, otherwise I would definitely be pissed) but it's not going to happen in the originally planned location. I wish the restaurant was closed due to some unexpected swine flu attack or flooding or other disaster but NO it is open...bright and shiny! So why aren't we going to that place? We aren't going because it is a tiny bit too far and traffic may occur (duh!!!), and my friend's friend is off duty. Ok, to give you a quick info... Over two months ago my friend (we've known each other since first grade) and I decided to explore new restaurants. It just so happened that one of her friends got a new job at a Mexican restaurant in a town about 30 to max. 40 minutes away from this tiny city. We wanted to go see what it was like. We then decided it would be more fun to make a girls' night out of this. Date was set, all girls were able join and have fun, reservation was made, etc etc etc. Awesome! Just a side note: I like Mexican food, but I don't really like it over here. I prefer the real deal, or the slightly real deal in SoCal. Plus, over here, it's just so expensive!!! I hate paying $30 just for one plate and that just for one person. But, if I get a chance to explore new restaurants, even an expensive Mexican one, I don't care (not really). I need distraction, I need things to cheer me up so why not!?!!! Plus, even though we live in the same city/town we rarely get to see each other. We might have been friends a long time ago, close ones even, and I'm so terribly sad that the word friendship means more to me than it means to them. Meeting about every four months is not going to work for me. I miss having friends. So yeah, that was just the side note.
So, this morning I get a text message from one of the other girls telling me that we'll meet at 8pm (as planned) at a completely different Mexican restaurant here in town! NOT in the original location. No! Right here, right around the corner (so to speak) and I was shocked. I thought I lost my reading skills somewhere over night because I wasn't really getting any of it. I mean, what happened to the other place? Why aren't we going to the "right" place?! I was slightly confused and didn't know what to answer so all I wrote back was "Thanks for the info. See you tomorrow." I ate breakfast, and drank my coffee with the hope I'd be gaining more reading and comprehending skills and then read the message again. Was it a bad dream?! It sure wasn't.
So I called my friend (my "first grade" friend) and asked what had happened. It turned out she was mad, too. She didn't understand the world anymore. Apparently, the other girls decided it wasn't worth driving all the way over there. Plus, my friend's friend (the one that works there) is off duty today. Moreover, oh yes, they didn't want to drive all the way over there because of traffic. So, they decided to change the location. WITHOUT asking first! WITHOUT asking any of us or have some sort of a quick discussion over this. So when I asked my friend what had happened she was mad, confused, and just said : "I didn't want to fight over this but I think their idea stinks!" WORD.
So, tomorrow's dinner is going to happen. Just not the way it was planned. And I'm pissed. I was so looking forward to going to a restaurant that none of us had been to. Now, we're going to a Mexican restaurant (woohoo) that we've all been to so many times (booooo on that - big time!) and quite frankly it's not my favorite spot at all.

I am not necessarily pissed about the fact that we're going to some other restaurant. I'm pissed about the fact that they changed the location due to possible traffic. Come again?! What traffic? Yes, I may not be driving in here (ever heard of public transportation, and walking? Plus, have I mentioned how tiny this place is?!) but I know what we have here is not worth being called traffic or traffic jam! People over here whine like little babies if they arrive five minutes later than planned, or have to wait a few minutes longer during rush hour. I recall an evening with a friend of mine in her car. We had to wait one (!!!!) minute (and I'm not making this up, it was just one short minute...nothing more, maybe even less than that) and she freaked out. I looked at her at and said "you sure, you want to go to Los Angeles?! Because once you get stuck on the 405 merging with the 101 you will experience traffic and that (referring to the "traffic jam" in front of us) my friend is just people driving and not being stuck at all! Stop whining!" She admitted she overreacted. Thank you. Unfortunately her insight didn't last long enough. She never made it to L.A. either.

Am I mad?! I might be.
I don't like complaining but I do it too often.
Then again, it is better to get it all out than to keep it all in.
Anger, frustration, pain and unhappiness can eat your soul.
I don't want that to happen. Ever.
I so don't feel fine anymore....
...good thing is, I found cute Christmas stuff online and it made me arrange all Christmas DVDs I have! Can't wait to watch all of them. Yay on that!

P.s. And my friend and I decided to go alone to that "new" restaurant! Not tomorrow, but maybe next month!
Image sources, click on 'em

Learn. Accept. Run. Heal.

So, I went to my doctor today. I needed to know what was wrong with me. Some of you (thank you for your input by the way) asked/wondered/suggested if vertigo was a possible thing I might have, low blood pressure, not enough iron, etc etc etc. I was so sure I had low blood iron and needed infusions again (so yes, not my first time...and yes, only infusions worked on me).
Well...as it turned out...I AM HEALTHY AND I COULDN'T BE ANY HEALTHIER THAN THAT!!!

You got to be kidding me?!!! That's what I told my doctor. She was laughing.  
This isn't funny. I feel like total crap, can't move fast, can't look up or down, feel dizzy like never before, am dizzy now while sitting on this chair, could fall asleep at any given moment and you tell me that nothing is wrong?!??!! 
Blood pressure (perfect), blood level (perfect), iron level (perfect), any other things they tested because I made them (perfect).
So what could be the problem??!!!

My doctor is a very nice person. She's a doctor and well, I don't like doctors. My family's full of doctors and even though it's family, I still don't like doctors. Then again, I learned that even though you want a doctor to tell you what's wrong with you, you still have to remember that they are humans. They can't know everything and sometimes they simply can't help you. My nice doctor couldn't help me. I still don't like doctors. Now even more. On the outside I was the tough girl but in the inside I was crying - real hard.

She gave me tips on how to change some things like how I start my day, or what I should be doing more or less and all. She also told me to stick to some sort of diary and keep track of when I feel the way I feel and if it is worse when the so-called "ugly weather period" (her words) occurred in this area. Well, you have to know that this city is sort of located in a valley where strong winds come from the south (Italy) and other strong winds come from the north (Germany) and when they collide they do that right here! I never had problems with those winds (some people do get headaches, even migraines caused by this wind phenomenon); I actually love them (I even love the Santa Ana's and I miss having messy hair!!) but apparently these winds (sometimes felt, sometimes not felt at all) are different. And, well, my doctor suggested to keep track of everything and how my dizziness is associated with the winds, or not or whatever. Just great. Just to make sure (sort of) that my "problem" is caused by the winds. Yes, right!!! And where were those so-called problems when I was younger, or last year?!!!
She also mentioned that it is likely that (and this is somewhat funny) my problem could be also caused by living in this area, trapped in the middle of nowhere and far away from real air. A couple of years ago, during winter (and after I had moved back to Europe), I got sick. I had a terrible cough, which in my eyes was just a regular cough up until it just didn't want to go away and even got worse. I couldn't sleep, eat, drink, do anything or walk anymore. I couldn't breathe normally anymore either and no medicine whatsoever seemed to help. My body rejected everything. I stayed home, puked my guts out (even though there was nothing in there...just to give you a "sort of" visuable), cried constantly because my whole body ached and I simply couldn't stop the cough, and the accumulated pain to stop. The maximum I slept in a week was maybe three hours. Did I mention that it was in a week!???!!!! There were moments I literally (and I am not joking) wanted to die. I thought it was easier. I couldn't do it anymore. Normally, coughs are gone within a week, maybe two. In my case it felt as if it would never go away. It got worse each day and it scared me. Back then the whole staff at my doctor's knew me. I went in there pretty much every day, because whatever I was taking didn't work, and made me more sick. After almost three months I felt slowly better! I eventually received the hard stuff and it felt great. Having lung problems is just not funny. Ever since I still have to deal with occasional pain and each time I get flashbacks and all I want to do is cry. I don't but if you could see through me you'd see that I'm definitely crying in the inside. Just like today on this chair in front of my doctor. Either way, back then my doctor suggested to move. Not sure if I ever told that anyone. I might have mentioned my doc saying I should go to the mountains (the top part that is) or to the beach where the air is fresher and cleaner (no matter where on this planet). She said though I should move. And well, today, not having lung problems but weird vertigo kind problems (yes, I looked it up!) she mentioned this again. This is funny. Not really, but I do really want to move again. And now I need to move. Is this a sign?! Maybe. Maybe not. Now I'm confused!
I said Thank You and left her office, felt worse for about twenty minutes, went downstairs and spent 6 bucks on a Vanilla Latte at Starbucks. And yes, my lovelies...it is $6!!!! It's not a venti either, it was a tall one! The smallest size and it's that expensive. Thank you very much. I just needed something to cheer me up. No PSL available so I got my regular VL.

 It felt good. I was confused, shocked, happy, broke and drinking my VL, listening to four Americans chatting about their European trips (work wise though) and how wonderful it had been so far. Across from where I was sitting was a guy reading a book, and then I realized I had my own with me. So, what did I do?! Same thing, I started reading. I do have to admit the book is getting better...slowly but it is getting there. It distracted me a little until mom came in and asked me how my appointment went. I freaked out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. I still feel like crap, and my head is so heavy I think I'll skip Criminal Minds and go to bed now. It is 8pm.

Happy Wednesday!!!
I'm so going to rest tomorrow.

photo sources: www.weheartit.com