July 7, 2009

It's Beginning To Get To Me

At my age I'm supposed to have my shit together but apparently it seems as if every day makes my current situation worse, and definitely not better or easier. Granted, I never heard anyone say life's easy or that it gets easier but at least I was hoping to be able to say "hey, I know what I want and how I want it and I can go for it and don't worry about anything or anyone!". I'm so far away from even thinking this way it scares me. I mean, I do have a job (at least for now) and well, that is about it. Something else besides constantly going back and forth from work and home has to be around the corner. It just has. That's no life. It's a total mess and a lie. Life's not supposed to be this dull and empty. It's not supposed to be pink and happy all the time either but at least something has to be there to look forward to. Something that enriches every single future second that comes along. Just something funny, something good, something new, something special, something just perfect at my age. Where the hell is that?!

What am I doing wrong?! Am I nuts?! Am I actually failing life?! Or is life failing me?! What's wrong with me and the world around me?! Who are you, telling me I suck or that I could do more with my life?! I know THAT, I'm not stupid. You are stupid! Shut up!! Crap! I hate everything and everyone. Stop telling me what to do and what not to do. Stop it! Don't call me that. Why aren't you calling back?! Why is it that everyone simply hates me?! I hate myself. I hate you, too. I hate this life. I just dislike being alone. I'm old enough. Why aren't you listening to me? Why is everyone against me?! Why now? Why again? Why not later?!!! ... ... ...

I thought I left puberty a long time ago. I thought that this part was over but I learned that this never fully ends. No matter how old you are you constantly search for something in life. Whether it is Mr Right or Mrs Right, or a better job, a bigger house, a greater car, a much better fitting pair of jeans, or a reasonably priced restaurant...you are looking for something else in life that makes it either easier, better, nicer or "all of the above". At my age I thought I'd be far away from where I am at the moment. I feel like this teenage girl not knowing what comes next and not having a clue what to do with her life. What happened to me?! Where's my spirit?! How did I ever lose it? Or did it actually leave me?
My summer misery has started a long time ago. It just hit me a month ago - right in my face. It could be part of my quarter-life crisis too but I just call it summer misery. Sounds more dramatic. I'm not a drama queen, maybe a drama princess but which girl isn't that sometimes. It just seems that I'm going nowhere. I'm stuck. Literally. I can't seem to find my way out of this whole non-existing momentum I'm dwelling in. And my so-called spirit I used to have is gone. Can't remember last time I was happy, I mean REALLY happy...no worries, no bad thoughts, no problems, no health problems (has increased in the last year and I truly, madly and deeply believe it's work and this awful life of mine that make me sick), no friendship dramas, no family drama, no whatever problems....just normal life with its occasional ups and downs (again, I'm not saying life's always happy and cheerful and pink)...but it can't be all the time this bad and sad. Granted, I'm complaining here and contemplating on how to create a happier world around me whereas others in the world can't even afford a laptop and Internet connection (and I am an owner of both). But besides the fact that I am sort of healthy and yes, have the necessary funds to buy myself writing equipment and access to the WorldWideWeb I simply have a blank mind. My future lies ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. We're supposed to cherish what we have and follow our dreams, and live every new day as it was our last. Why can't I do this?! What blockage is this? What am I afraid of?! Who knew I could end up like this! I sure didn't. I'm sure we all feel this way at some point in our lives. I thought it was mainly during high school or right after. I felt this way then. Yes, I did. Why is this now all coming back? Has it ever escaped, or has it always been lingering and waiting for the right (or wrong) moment to appear again?!

Oh, I do have dreams and believe me or not I even started making these dreams come true. I sure did. It felt good, better than words can ever describe. And then, I lost it. I lost my dream. My goal had a hole and then it all just vanished. The dream is still there, I can feel it. I feel it every day. It hurts, too. It's something you can't really put into words but know it exists. Like love. You know it's there and you feel it but can't describe how it feels like and how it looks like. At least not to hundred percent. The same goes for my dream, halfway accomplished and clueless what the future outcome looks like. I'm wholly disappointed in myself. I shouldn't be. What I've done and seen so far is maybe more than other people ever can and will do but it's not enough for me. Selfish maybe but it's my life after all. Not theirs, not yours either. I want to live my life as much as possible, fulfill all the requirements needed to make my life a happy one and make my summer misery go away. It's truly beginning to get to me that I need to jump over my damn shadow and work on all that. I believe I'm just too scared to start with whatever that may be and then hurt people, including me. What I don't see is the outcome, the beautiful outcome. The bright future. I see nothing. That is the sad part. I used to have this spirit that would bring me to places and let me do things I would have only dreamed about and would never ever thought to become true. I'm proud of what I've done and knowing this makes me a slight bit happier though. A good start. Don't you think?!

Besides all these very odd thoughts, unfinished dreams, and sad moments in my current life, this misery of mine got thicker by having had problems at work. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I shouldn't run from it, but I see no other way out. I'm not running away because I'm sick and tired of debating and arguing over ridiculous and banal stuff, but because it's time. I feel it is. Many may disagree with me on this but I believe it's time for me to kick some ass. Not in a literal way, though. Although it would be fun to do this. Just kidding. Can't afford stuff like that. Don't want to do that. It's so not worth it. However, I just know it's time. I want to end this misery. I need and must end it. I started building tiny bricks for me to escape this constant sadness. I started last year by booking a flight to the East Coast and this January I started my future with this trip and made one big dream of mine come true. I pride myself on this! More kick ass actions are needed. More running away is needed, too. It's time. I feel it. It just has to be. I know there are people out there disagreeing as I'm writing this but I just have to go with what I think is best. This, whatever you wanna call it, has to stop and has to change - soon.

AND, since I don't want to be this sad and conflicted at the moment I have to say I'm going to have a wonderful day tomorrow...another day off during the week and time for me to leave this city and head towards the north. Mom and I are going shopping. I call it frustration shopping but it's going to be fun. My wallet might not like it that much though. However, an occasional splurge can't hurt.

1 comment :

Mollie said...

I'm so sorry you're at such a tough place in your life! But I think and hope things will get better!

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