November 2, 2009

What If

Oh boy...this is quite a long one...hope you have your eye drops with you so your eyes won't dry out and get all red by reading my stuff here...good luck! ;)  And if you were wondering where my pictures from Halloween are...I do have to disappoint you all because there aren't any. :(  I am sad about this, too. No Halloween over here. At least not in the city I'm in at this very moment. Loved all of your pictures though!!!

I'm crazy about music. I need to listen to it pretty much all the time. Granted, there are times I simply can't listen to anything because I'm either at work, at school, at someone else's place, or otherwise unable to have some musical inspiration. Music is something that keeps me going and most of us have heard of and know the saying "music brings people together" (sports, too, by the way)...I really believe in this. Anyways, when I put some songs together it's funny what kind of responses I get. "Oh girl, I can feel your life sucks right now" or "pissed off?!" or "Dudette, move and let all the shit behind ya!" or "You will find your meaning in life" or "What's wrong there?!" or "who's the new guy?!"...are just a few.

It doesn't really matter what I feel or how I feel I put music together that I like. I could listen to pretty much all my songs on iTunes all the time. I don't get tired of them. Plus, each and every single one reminds me of something. Bad or good, funny or sad...each song represents my life. Sounds corny! YES! But come on?! Don't you have songs that when you listen to them you automatically go: OH, I used to listen to this one when I drove to college, or met my boyfriend for the first time, or had dinner with that nasty person, or went home after learning  I flunked that one very important test or took this amazing roadtrip with my best friends, or just was watching this or that movie.

I'm sure you do.

For example:  Sex on Fire (Kings of Leon) reminds me of this winter roadtrip up to New Haven. My lovely friend A. and I went to visit my cousin and checked out what Yale is all about. ;) This song was on one of our CD's and well...we listened to it like crazy! Whenever I hear it (it's also my ringtone on my cell - yes, even cornier) it reminds me of that trip (and the snow, my frozen water bottle and a lot more).
Or Sorry (Buckcherry) now reminds me of two things...the first me driving home after a very long day and the sun literally burning my arms (thank you California!!!), and the second me sitting in a shuttle going to LAX and since I was the only passengers (nice!!) the driver kindly asked if he could play some music. I would have never ever said NO. So, yeah...and what was on among so many other fabulous others...yes, Buckcherry. I was looking out the window and saying good-bye while listening to this song...tissue alert! Big time!

Why this post!? Not sure.

I've been dealing with some weird things lately...and one of them is making sure that I AM HAPPY!!!! That's the ultimate goal in all our lives, isn't it?! To be happy!!!
And I have come to terms now with what I want and also need (and it's not what you want it is what I WANT and NEED). People around me try to persue me to do this or that or why not try this or that, where they totally lost their point about three years ago!!! It pisses me off! I'm mad, more than just that, I'm exhausted and can't have it anymore. Sorry guys you are way too late! I love you all but cannot be listening anymore. Just because it is something you think is nice, good, okay, worth it, whatever, doesn't mean it is something for me. I am different than you. Thankgoodness!!!! I don't want to be like you. Would be boring anyhow (being the same, wanting the same things, etc). Individuality is always better! I'm not a copy cat, nor do I want things you believe in. I'm sorry but I'm not you. I don't want to be you. I want to be me, and me at this very moment (and unfortunately for the past four years) has not been happy once in this place. Not even once. I may have pretended to be but I never was! The only time I was happy was when I wasn't here, and did what I wanted and it felt good and it felt real and I felt for the first time in years alive again. I was me!!!
Do you want to see me happy or sad?! Your choice!!! Actually, no, it's not. It is solely my choice and my choice only. It's like, you fall in love with THE person and everyone agrees with you except your mother, for example. Why? No one knows. So either way, your mom's the only one against your new guy (the guy, because you already have a ring on your finger and are about to say those two great words in front of so many people) and everyone else seems to be okay with him. Well, it is your own choice, not your moms. She might not like him but she's not the one having to live with him and spend life with him. You are. Not her, not your dad, not your siblings or friends...mainly you and him (and maybe some tiny dog or cat or whatever) but that is it. So...what I'm trying to say is this...
Let me make my choice. Support me, help me, be happy for me (even though it hurts and irks), try to understand me, try not to change me, try not to push me but be there for me (always!) and really, let me make my choice!!!! Let me be me!!!

And just for the record...I'm not getting married, nor is my mom against my choice! Which is surprising but it is definitely supportive! Thank you, mom!!!! And Thank You M. for your support!!! It means a lot to me.


With this said...from now on I'm going to enjoy each day. Enough with the drama. I'm going to do whatever I wanted to do a long time ago. I was way too lazy. Sometimes, being lazy is okay, sometimes it is just lame. And now, with support and understanding I'm going to jump over whatever dark shadow hindered me for so long...I'm going to jump over it and start fresh!
I actually dreamed about jumping over a shadow. Not going to look it up but it sort of brought back tons of nostalgia which scared me, made me extremely happy, brought back tons of very good memories, and made me sad at the same time. I'm not going into any details here but by doing what I believe is right brought back such memories, and made me sit in front of my laptop and type this all up. So sorry if I bored and annoyed you with my crazy, boring, silly and pathetic words. I may not be able to stop this from happening though. But I'm trying to stay more positive and all. OK? Ok!!! ;)

What if I have this life altering idea today and it changes everything?! What if I don't?!
Is this positive? Hope so!
It's November...I'm so excited!

I'm going to listen to See The Light by Green Day!


Sara said...

I am MORE THAN HAPPY that you are happy!! Sex on fire is one of my favourite songs- EVER!

Manju said...

be positive, live life, love life :) that's the way to go!
p.s. thanks for following ^^


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