November 30, 2009

Just keep breathing

This past week has been some sort of a rollercoaster.

Monday was a great day. I woke up, did what I had to do, went to the IMAX theater and then had red wine literally thrown at me. The day felt great. I felt good.
Tuesday was quiet but also fun. I went to IKEA with my friend, and her kids and had a ton of fun talking to three-year olds asking me silly questions about life and everything else. I wish I could be this open and  unknown sometimes.
Wednesday started out okay until I left the house. At around 2 or 3 in the afternoon I started feeling's that kinda feeling you shouldn't be getting when outside, or inside or at any time because you don't really know how to control it properly. The feeling scared me but it went away after about thirty minutes.
The same unfortunately happened on Thursday. I went grocery shopping with mom and out of nowhere I couldn't handle it anymore. I started to sweat, and feel uncomfortable. This sensation is indescribable, but it's there and you feel it, and it scares you. All I wanted is to get outta there and sit down or lie down. It was clearly impossible. Oh, I went out and had my bottle of coke with me. A real tranquillizer. I'm officially addicted. Joke aside, I felt worse than a year ago. In the middle of nowhere tears came down and I felt alone. Very much alone. Just my bottle and I and my thoughts to leave and go home. Mom checked on me, and all I could say was "I need to go home NOW". She understood. So we went. I cried on the way home. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The second I arrived home I cried even harder and just lay down and slept.

What in the world was that?! Oh, I know what it was, heck what it is. It's one of those incredibly exhausting panic attacks. They are like enemies checking on you when you least expect them and want them to appear. But they don't care and just surprise ya. They don't care if you're having a good time, or are out and about shopping for food with your mom, or just in public. They come unannounced and bother you. Luckily it didn't last long, but it did happen. It's been happening for months now. My enemy has been part of me for years, but its real face was shown one year ago. Sometimes I wonder why it is happening to me. Why it chose me. Some say, it is because I worry too much. Though I have to worry, I have to know where I'm going and what my future is going to be like. I don't want to know what I'm going to be doing in five years because let's face it I don't want to know plus even if, it would not turn out the way I had planned it. But, I would love to know what next year is going to be like. If I'm going back to school (PLEASE!!!), because my horizon is shrinking and I don't want this to happen. I already feel stupid, and useless. You may say "no, don't feel stupid because you're not...etc etc" but I will still feel that way. Maybe less but it's true. Why?!
Funny...I stayed home the entire weekend. Literally. Never ever left the house. Sure it's nice, once in a while but not every freakin' weekend. Why I don't go out and do something?! Tell me!!! WHAT?! I've done everything and seen everything here. There's nothing I can do. Going out on a Saturday night would be fun again, but I dread the public these days and I hate all the smoke filled clubs, so I won't go there. Everyone else has apparentely no problem whatsoever and goes out. On Sundays everything is closed so whatever I do feel like doing is not even possible. Plus, I can't stand to do things on my own anymore. I've done this for the past four years and it's exhaustingly boring and pathetic. I need something new. I need something that makes me go out again, even in broad daylight. Plus, have I mentioned that my horizon is shrinking?! That is the worst for me. I feel as if nothing can stimulate me, make me think and believe anymore. Isn't this awful?!
I know I've been wallowing in my self pity for weeks, even months and yes, I do apologize for that. Then again, I shouldn't. It's who I am today. Not sure if it's a good thing but it's the way it is.
And I can't really say how much writing helps. It's my therapy; my best friend these days. Pathetic? Maybe. And maybe not.

Weeks ago I wrote that my mom is supporting my decision...lately I have to say I don't think so anymore. The only person I could rely on is now ignoring me and laughing at me. This hurts a lot. If you ever lived abroad, away from home and friends and everything else familiar to you...before you made that particular choice...did your parents laugh at you?! Did they? Or even just one of them?

Well, with that all said or written down and a lot more in my head I'm going to say BYE November. I was looking forward to seeing you but honestly you made 2009 even worse for me. Not sure why but I'm sure you have your reasons and one day I'll understand.

December is on its way. Wow!!!

P.s. Any advice how to get rid of decision making anxiety?! Ha!!!!


Malin said...

Awww Selma... I wish I could do something to help... :( Just keep smiling girl!


Mara said...

I wish I could help you but I am the most indecisive person ever! I get so anxious about it too. Even things that aren't a big deal I stress out over!

Unknown said...

Aww, I'm sorry, I have been there before. I get anxiety and have problems with decisions sometimes too. My advice....just feel it out, that's what I do. See which way your intuition is leading you and go that way. It tends to ease my decision anxiety once I weed out some options, so maybe that would help?

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I lived abroad for awhile and whenever I would get really stressed out about something I would ask myself one question, "Is this really going to matter in 10 years?" If I decided that it wasn't then I just let it go. I refused to worry about it anymore. Also my phone bill to the states was out the roof!


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